One of my last posts maybe, maybe not

But I was just thinking...
Sure, me and my boyfriend. We don't get along much.
Because I am so stubborn. But I love him so goddamn much. I don't know how I could possibly let him go.

I'm the type of girl who will admit to the fact that I am not friendly when I feel tension in the air. I will be cold. Otherwise, I'm happy go lucky and friendly in a childish, bubbly way. Most people think it's annoying however. So I'm either sweet or sour, depending on my mood.

And who I am is a person to never ever let go of anyone that I hold dear and I treasure above all in my heart. You aren't an object to me, you're a gift. Something that should be treated with respect, first and foremost, and something that should be known for its worth and treasured because of it. People who don't treasure you are just straight up dissing you, lest you forget.

So just know when I respect you, when I treat you like you matter because you do. So much. Without your heart beating, I would feel incomplete or broken. I need you alive, I need you breathing. I need you to realize that I've never really asked much for a person other than for them to simply exist. If you just existed, that would give me great relief. Oh damn... I'm a misery seeker sure.

And that's why nobody likes me, except for my cats and my boyfriend. And apparently, according to laymen, I'm a psycho because of my past. But hey, they are so right. I am a psycho. A good one, I'd gather. One that can't ever let go of the people that I hold near and dear to my wretched yet recovering heart. I don't want to be wicked anymore, and I just want there to be peace and serenity amongst us. Because me and my partner...?

We have a lot in common. In fact, I don't know anyone else alive who has more in common with me. The thing is, he doesn't like the Disney corporation and guess what? He's so convincing that he kind of made me dislike it too. A person that changes who you are is something that I can only admire and look up to. He changed me, whether he knows it or not and I am utterly grateful. And just so y'all know, I'm trying so hard to change myself.

I don't want to be the sad, drama queen that gets her way every time she fucking cries like a spoiled brat anymore. But I'm glad I have an insightful person in my life to let me know of all the things that I'm oblivious to and blinded by, so that I can change and become better.

That's all I really ever want to be.

Sex... and my unwarranted opinions on it

I lost my virginity at 18. This is what comes to mind when I think about sex. Babies. That's it. Offspring. Just the natural reaction to having successful sex. That's all that my mind can process. Why? Oh not much... I'm not dry anymore, like I used to be. Being dry made me have sex casually, which I personally think is somewhat shameful and dirty and something that nobody should be proud of.

You don't want to go around claiming you need sex because you haven't had it in a while. It sounds slutty, to tell you the truth and I know from personal experience. I was a self-proclaimed slut when I got out of the hospital. I entered the hospital with a boyfriend (shitty boyfriend didn't even visit me at the hospital to see the goddamn stitches on my forehead, hah) and left the hospital without one, so, I needed some physical action.

Not from anybody that I cared about of course, so that casual sex flings continued until I came across the one guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with forever.

Anyways, what I was getting at is that for my body type and physique and tightness or whatthefuckever, sex fucking hurts. I hate it. Maybe I'm abnormal, but sex doesn't appeal to me like it does for the rest of the world. It fucking hurts. It's like a hammer being thrust into you until you've lost all capability to breathe. It just makes me sore and have to pee constantly. I fucking hate it. Okay, now I'm done. Wow... After all this time, I thought I could handle sex. Six years later, and I still don't like it. But I do enjoy kissing. Just not rough, get inside of me, but gently please, or I'll want to fucking kill myself if you go in too hard. I hate it. I only like it when it's emotional, and our bond and connection is strengthening. Otherwise, I fucking hate sex.

Call me asexual, call me a hater of sex, but I do enjoy watching pornography. It's lovely looking at other people's naked bodies working in harmony to create the perfect orgasms. Or whatever it is they're trying to achieve. It's like a work of art. Beautiful sounds of moaning, grunting is odd though, but I like it when they moan. When they talk however, that kind of turns me off. It's not a conversation you guys (Sasha Grey) it's just sex.

Just fuck for Pete's sake. And then, it will be a masterpiece. I'm just saying, maybe I'm a prude or something but the foul, nasty shit that people say while fucking, like "pee on me," or "lemme swallow it all," grosses me out. Just be happy with each other and intertwine in sex and you'll be alright and you'll be classy. Don't ask for weird shit to happen, unless of course, those are your odd fantasies. Well, that's it guys. Those are my opinions on sex. If you disagree, that's alright. I'm pretty sure the vast majority of the world's population would disagree. Most people need sex. Hell, that's why we've got sex offenders in this downtrodden world.

Just a decent reminder

Hello again. Elle here and I just wanted to remind your tough, stubborn, unwillingly to change your filthy mind up brain that we should all be like cats.

Of various colors, and of various shapes and sizes, and guess what? None of them get shamed for it! Nor do they feel inferior from it. Nor do they feel guilty for having blue and purple stripes rather than orange and black stripes that a tiger usually has. It isn't the difference in our skin color that sparks up the negative tension between two cats, I mean humans here. Well, I guess it is because we are so primitive to the core. More primitive than cats I take it? And I don't want that to be the case.

We'd be savages. I don't want to be a savage, well, I don't mind being a savage! As long as I'm an enlightened savage of course. That's it. Otherwise, I'd be an imbecile, coming straight out of the caves like a Neanderthal and people would be like typical people and laugh at me for not knowing any better because I've been living in a rock.

But come the fuck on. So what if Kenyans have that Kenyan vibe to their culture and Koreans eat dogs or whatever. Hey! I'm Asian!! So don't take offense, fellow Korean Asians. But who the fuck cares!!?! And why, oh why are people so fucking shallow!?

If a person has features that you don't like? Great!! But keep it to your damn (kinda racist) self, please and thank you or you'll spark up a riot and those people who were born with claimed ugly facial features and an ugly physique will come hunting you down until you take back those corrupt, shameful words.

People are just born the way they are fucking born!!! You either get used to it and you form a great (sometimes everlasting) bond with them or you just hate them because they're different, have a different culture and have a different shade of skin. Like honestly? So much familiarity, for crissakes. Just marry your goddamn sister if you want everything to be the goddamn same.

Why not just live a little?

Overweight to decent, I suppose..?

I used to be a whopping 145 lbs with my gut hanging out, making me look like a laffy taffy consuming oompa loompa. I went to the beach a lot and got tan and I had green hair, so the resemblance to me was there.

But now..? Now? Haha, now, I'm just 120 to 122 lbs. It fluctuates. And the thing is, I didn't even exercise much. I just like walked. And I walked not that much... Either. Maybe it's because I have an okay metabolism.

If I had a great metabolism, I wouldn't have been overweight and the thing is, I'm 5'3", so imagine that. A kind of tall (haha not really) to a kind of short (not really again..) woman losing 23 lbs doing nothing except walking. Walking is the easiest form of exercise that I can think of, plus it gets you places. Except I am a slow ass walker, and my boyfriend is hella fast and gets pissed off when I'm 10 feet behind him because he's too fast for me! But do ya see what I mean!? Walking might help you lose at least 1 pound! If not more... It all depends really.

On your body, how exercise affects it, and your metabolism. But damn, if I were to hit 150, that would be the fattest weight I've ever been and I would've dubbed myself obese for the sake of others rudely stating the obvious. I know, don't need to remind me. Being called obese is like telling a poor, unfortunate, anorexic person to eat a goddamn burger. It's wrong and immoral through my eyes, and it should be to everybody else, I daresay!

Well yup... This was about my weight and I'm kind of happy with my weight now. Phew*** I'm actually happy about something about myself. Imagine that, hehe. My body? The figure of it? It's not the best, but it ain't the worse. I have the smallest boobs ever haha yet I'm still a b? But, they look flat as fuck and I'm totally fine with that, but it's not the bust I need to work on, it's the ass area. Haha I lack in that area tremendously. I need a butt, I also need to get rid of these love handles and get larger hips. Oh dear... All I'm thinking of are squats to get to this position in my life that will make me happier.

So a squat might get rid of the love handles and give the illusion that some hips might've appeared, but yeah, I'm just far too lazy to do shit right now. Especially since I'm already kind of happy with my weight. Still got a flabby belly, but whatever man. Who cares, at least I look like a stick again. A stick because I have no curves and the squat maneuver looks very terrifying so yeah...

Maybe next time. I'm just too lazy haha.

Oh boy do I hate who I am

Or how others see who I am.

Actually, scratch that. I don't mind if a person sees me as a person completely opposite of who I am. I don't care. Those are the thoughts and the opinions of a stranger, so they ought to not matter, and they don't.

But when it's somebody you love, somebody you care about, somebody you can't imagine living without, somebody who you rely on endlessly because you kinda need them in your life, otherwise what would be the purpose of living, ya know?

As for me, since I daresay I'm not a charlatan even though I am stuck up sometimes and like to call people idiots for clearly being idiots, I shouldn't because I'd end up being a damn right hypocrite. I too am an idiot, so who am I to judge others for their faulty errors?

We all make mistakes, and some of us (me, for example since I declare myself to be a simple-minded individual) don't learn from those mistakes, as many times as they come because we just can't. We don't have the mental capacity to learn from those lessons, so they just end up being mistakes that we get over and over again.

It makes us feel insane, with how repetitive these lessons are and how similar they are to the ones we never learned from. Okay, I'm sorry. I wrote that down and it made no fucking sense to me, so let me reiterate in briefer terms: I am an idiot because I never learn from my mistakes. Hopefully that will make some sort of sense.

I'm sorry, I want to be a writer so bad. Number one job is to write or to cook but I can't cook for my life or I'd burn the house down, and I don't make any fucking sense, so why the fuck do I need to write? Haha. I'm a lost cause when it comes to finding a profession, plus I'm disabled and who the fuck hires disabled people? I don't know...

I never know. I'm an idiot. I'm a millennial fool, who knows nothing about the world or anything inside of it. Wow, I hate myself. I need to fix myself. How the fuck do I grow up? I always thought of myself as a mature teenager back in those years but oh, I was wrong.

I'm not mature. I'm immature. And I hate it. I don't want to be born in this stupid generation of idiots who think they're fucking geniuses and they goddamn should know better, but hey, they don't! They're just ignorant fools and I'm just a stuck up bitch about it.

If you were such a genius, do something about the world then, for crying out loud! Be like Einstein or Tesla! Be on their level of genius. In fact, I doubt geniuses even have social circles and I doubt they even socialize much. Just a little bit. They're most of the time, introverted and don't like to deal with people because people will probably dumb them down and they gotta keep those synapses ready at every waking moment. Can't have another person distract their synapses from functioning correctly.

So, if you're a genius, do something about the world. Change it. Be like that Buzz Aldrin fella, and travel to the moon and I don't know why I added that, sorry, but I think that space travel is going to make your brain function better?? I don't know... Engineering, how to get there, etc. Those types of things you can learn as you head up to the moon and possibly the other planets!?

Don't just say you're a genius, unless you got foolproof evidence to back it up, otherwise you're just a charlatan dear stranger. Just a charlatan, and I can never take a charlatan seriously. And if the whole world were to take you seriously, self-proclaimed genius, the world would soon be doomed.

Ah, I don't know

So... I've been away from this for a bit. I just felt like life without distractions would suck, and believe me, it does. And that ain't my depression talking for me, it originates from what I've seen and how cruelly this world treats its inhabitants.

Maybe that's where my depression stems from, not necessarily acute observation of how blatantly the world shits on every fucking body in the whole goddamned world. It gives you diseases that you can't cure. Hey cancer! Begone you! It kills you because people get so angry, angry to the point of intent to murder, and bam, you're dead. It's just this world is too intense for me to live in, too overwhelming.

Hey, I'm back again

So ... I can't. For the life of me, stay off my phone.

I suck at that. And plus, need I remind myself that writing or typing (what have you) soothes my stupid soul. This soul is a nuisance to me, always haunting me with memories from the past. Oh and get this...

My past? It wasn't even that horrible!!! For fucks sake man. Everybody goes through shit, I was just hypersensitive and couldn't take responsibility for anything that I did wrong because I was a bad person. And I am so fucking dumb, because I failed miserably, ruined peoples lives, and I don't know man (probably sent them to mental hospitals because I psychologically fucked with their heads) and that shit is uncalled for. That shit is beyond fucked up. And now, I can admit to being the fucked up person that I was.

And I most certainly do not want to go back to those days ever again. I mean shit, I worked once right?? (Fuck, working and I don't mix. I'm too sensitive for this world.) I was working, and bitch ass blonde tall lanky yet chunky middle-manager yelled at me for being fucking disabled. Hahahajajahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahshahahaha, big mistake lady, because I had a headache after her yelling session and I took an entire bottle of aspirin.

Had to get checked into the emergency room for that and then after, they took me to a mental institute. It sucks man. Life sucks man. Don't fucking yell at someone if you can tell they're already broken and recovering, or you'll break them again and they need to go back to recovering at the mental institute. Like honestly people. Come on. Come the fuck on.