4 in the morning

And I can't sleep.

Used to take sleeping pills but that didn't work. So now I'm up and I'm writing. Writing is such a good alternative to thinking... Thinking too much, I mean.

When I write, I think but it's still a way for me to express my feelings or whatever is going on with my mind through the written word. I wanted to cry earlier, but it's useless to cry. Especially when I can just type.

Humans do that to you. They make you cry. Their actions and their behavior and their words, oh their words, they truly make me cry. It makes me think that this planet has only an ounce of humanity left. The rest have fallen under the "I don't give a fuck" apathetic way of thinking. And that is a sad tale to tell, so I won't.

Some nights, I can sleep soundly and I wake up feeling refreshed and alive. Other times, I wake up and look like a freaking zombie for crying out loud and my attitude is the same way. Better get me food or I will eat you instead like a cannibalistic animal and zombies can't get enough of living flesh. But halt, and don't call the cops. I'm totally joking haha, but I will be grumpy.

I hate many things about me. That's one side. So what do I love? I love the fact that I have never ever, not once, have claimed to ruin other people's lives for the heck of it. That just proves to the world that I want to project myself as some cruel spirit who wants to reign above all through my corruption and the methods in which I can conquer your lives. If you have ever done that, just think to yourself and listen to yourself.

"I'm going to ruin your life." That's what a villain would say... And truth be told, if that's ever come out of your mouth, you sound like a complete maniac. Given the context, of course. But still... If you were to say that to a stranger, how fucking dare you?

Where is your common courtesy? And now where is mine, because this hate and this animosity is surrounding me and making me sound like a cruel bitch too. If you can't have some fucking respect, expect me to shoot you next time you say that, because violence begets violence, pal.

Or rather, not pal, because you started this whole commotion. Say things like that, people will want to be your enemy. Because you're mine now and I can only think bad things coming from you. Once words that cruel and that corrupt leave your mouth, my impression of you will be the very same. And guess what baby?

You can always feel the same way about me.

Respect has to be earned

You see in this world, there are many things that I have lost respect for.

So many things that I thought deserved my respect but in reality, didn't.

One of those things is the Uber and Lyft drivers of the world. Those people are looking for a lucrative way to make ends meet and put some bread on the table but honestly? Your way of going about it is just ludicrous.

Traffic will become even more immense due to you picking up fucking yuppies and kids who get tons of allowances because they're spoiled rotten. Well, those kids better pay for your gasoline money because the traffic will increase and consequently, your fuel tank will empty much faster.

I don't even take a fucking taxi, nor will I take something that costs more like a fucking Lyft driver or an Uber. I just do this really, extremely annoying thing because I for one have not driven in nearly 5 years and ask people to drive me around. I've got my lovely boyfriend for that. But still, what if he's sick, and lying in bed!? I don't have a license due to my stupid accident, so I guess I'll just walk to the nearest corner store and get the poor fella some medicine. It sucks, but that's just how I live. Don't need to waste money or gas and pollute the air even further by hiring a driver. Ah, I sound so angry and mean.

But that's who I am. This world has made me mean. But the nature of it all. The trees, the animals, and since we're living in the Bay Area, the ducks and the geese. They deserve my respect.

Not people trying to gain money by making it harder for the economy. Just walk or ride a bike. Anything more healthy for the ozone and the atmosphere.

As for anything else.. Well humans, I have zero respect for. Call me a hermit or a cat lady, but I can't stand people unless I love them undyingly. Like my roommates. Those people are allowing me to live everyday and get through the struggles of everyday life. And by people, I mean just one person and one cat. Cats are human too.

I may look ignorant and that's because I am. I don't know how to behave in front of people and I never ever ever want to hurt them or put them in harm's way, so I tend to stay away. Because I do it. I do it unintentionally. Look, if you've ever been hurt by me, just know that I didn't mean it and it makes me sad that I hurt your feelings. It makes me sad to the point of tears, hah, but enough about that.

I had to forcefully chuckle in order not to cry. People did tell me that I had no empathy, but shit makes me cry. Humans make me cry. You make me cry. Sometimes of happiness, but most times of sorrow. I'm just trying to balance it all out. Through laughter, through tears.

If I ever hurt you, please, please, let me know and I will give you my sincerest apologies. And I will never do what I did again. I'm sorry. I truly am.

But that's only if I respect you. Otherwise, you're dirt to me.

Is it worth it?

I don't know if it is anymore....

Every time I cry, it's just to help release the tension in my body. Makes me seem more relaxed.

I don't do it for attention. I just need to do it, because if these tears don't come out, neither will this pain. The pain will stay if the tears stay. They need to go away.

***

Back again. And I think it's high time for me to change my idiotic outlook on things. This pessimistic, melancholy view on life is a bit overbearing, a bit too much, and it weighs heavily on my soul.

My soul has had enough. I think it's time to look at the good things in life all the time. Focus on the postives. Hopefully that will delete the negatives, or at least set them aside because they honestly do not matter.

So it's worth it. It's definitely worth it.

If you think of giving up, of letting go, of giving in completely and surrendering to your inevitable fate, well think again because it's not worth it.

Not like you living life, trying to maintain your health at least and making the most of everyday. Living your life to the fullest, however that may be. It all depends on our preferences after all. If you want to be a lady who to many other people claim has no life because all you do is sit by the fireside and read a book, well so be it! To me, and to everyone else that should be considered a life. Because you're breathing, you're inhaling oxygen. That's something.

If you however fuck people's lives over, intentionally or unintentionally, then you stranger have no life at all. You should be sent to an asylum or something for your bad traits and, no, I did not mean any offense because clearly I belong there too. What with my recent posts, you can tell I'm clinically ill.

I was never diagnosed as crazy or bipolar, just fucking sad and it's sad how nobody wanted to talk to me for a while after I mentioned that I returned from the institute. But whatever, those types of people don't deserve your respect if you're a respectful individual who takes no part in fucking other peoples lives over.

You're better than that. Oh and by the way, before I forget to mention...

You're worth it. So keep breathing in that air, put down that knife, stash away that gun and just keep living.

There's so much more to live for. It's ignorant to throw it all away.

Method of ease

I'm just writing to feel better.
I don't want to feel like shit anymore.
I hate feeling like that. I also hate feeling like life is meaningless and everything that I do will eventually be worthless.

Fuck. That made no sense. Excuse me. Let me restart. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Forgive me before I start again.

Hello. I'm Elle. Or L or El. It matters not. Everyday of my life, my stomach tightens up a bit or no, my chest is heavy, or I tense up because something irks me. Something bothers me but sometimes I can't pinpoint exactly what it is.

I wish that alchemy wasn't a dead art, because I would be practicing some herbal medicinal properties to cure this stupid depression of mine. Maybe it's still alive. Maybe it's holistic. Fuck if I know. I just don't want to be sad anymore.

I hate being sad... I don't even want to play video games and I adore video games! I have to admit, video games are pathetically my life. It's not pathetic, it's just easy to tap away at a keyboard and move a mouse or to utilize a video game controller and it's loads of fun. I don't know.

I'm sorry. Quit reading. This is it. I've had enough of this life.

Hello friend

This is my friend. This is something that listens to me. And I kind of crave that, someone lending an ear. And providing sympathy or comfort or merely acknowledgement.

It's simply nice to be able to let others know that I exist and what better way to communicate that than through words and body language?

But most of the time, when I speak, I stutter, I stammer, I don't make sense. Sometimes, out of nowhere, I even throw in some irrelevant topic and sound like a complete lunatic and it makes me want to fucking rip out this stupid tongue of mine! Oh and I forgot to mention...

Well, I hate being misunderstood. Shit, I misunderstand people all the fucking time. (I'm so sorry if my use of language is offensive to you, you have to know I don't mean it. I'm just trying to be understood, ya know? Through cuss words.) Yeah, I don't know.

I fucking hate people. Because they misinterpret whatever the fuck I am trying to convey and it makes me want to killllllll them. So bad. It makes me want to choke them at the very least. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I need so much help. I need anger management. Because I am so fucking paranoid and so fucking violent. Well, secretly violent. I am verbally violent but physically!? Oh fuck no. I am trying to be a pacifist, but so much for that.

I'm going nowhere with that. I just want to meet Dalai Lama and get him to teach me how to love and cook with ease and perfection because we all know that I fucking can't.

Btw, speaking of things I can't do right. I for one can fucking admit that I am at most of average intelligence but most of the time, my actions and behavior depicts that of a complete and utter fool.

I can't cook. Can't write. Can't fucking spell for chrissakes. Can't do shit right except fucking complain. I am a complainer and I deserve death. Because complainers don't deserve to live on this wicked yet wonderful planet. Now that's me being optimistic yet realistic. The world is wicked, but it's also quite wonderful, optimistically speaking.

I fucking hate the world and my stomach fucking hurts and I just want to cry. And the movie Moonlight was pretty fantastic. Like, don't you dare step on or punch or for fucks sake beat a homosexual up or they will grow to become burly and hard.

Hard? What is hard nowadays?

I think it's when you've been let down all your life like Chiron was in Moonlight. But eventually he and his old friend Kevin reunite and he finds his way. Finds his happiness. He even fucking cries. You're not a real man unless you can shed a tear. That's my definition of hard.

Cats cats cats!

Cats? Cats. Cats indeed.

What more can I say? They are a spectucular breed.

Now don't mind my rhyming skills, it simply happens from time to time. Kind of unexpected too, besides, practically anyone can rhyme. Ohp, there it goes again. This unnatural skill of mine, coming back around for another line.

Hahahahahaha, oh boy. Isn't it entertaining reading things that rhyme? I would love to have dinner with Edgar Allen Poe and talk about his poetry and how he's gotten so far with just mere words that were so delicately placed amongst each other. But let's get back to cats now, shall we?

Cats are awesome. Our cat, Sandwich, is the fastest most hyper cat I've seen but also damn near the laziest. She loves to sleep around like the cutie that she is and when it's time for her to get up, she stretches out a bit and lifts up one paw and if you're lucky, that paw is lifted up towards you! It's like she's waving at cha! It's just simply marvelous! You ought to see it. But Sandwich however would kill you. She needs this one thing many take advantage of, and it's called time.

The girl won't even let you touch her. Hahah, she's scratched me, tried to bite me, clawed at me plenty of times but the girl still loves me. Probably because I do give her food but even then, cats are smart. They know if you're abusive and if you somehow show it, the feline will remember. Oh and by the way, cats are smart. They're like dogs and dogs can become abusive and bite you until you bleed to death, but cats hold grudges.

This one was treated unfairly and now her view on the world looks just about right to me. If you abuse a cat, the cat will view the world as abusive and will become very cautious because of it. Dogs just bark because they sometimes forget shit but I don't know man, I kind of forgot, because I don't have a dog anymore. They're with my blood relatives.

Which is good riddance if I might add! Phew! Cats are much cuter too, with their cute flat faces, cute noses, cute multicolored skin, cute fur. Mm so much cuteness, I could die happily. Dogs are just cute because they're highly enthusiastic and hyper for a moment and they're furry as fuck too. Please excuse my language. I don't know any other way to express the abundance of fur that they have.

Hmm... I think this entry is coming to an end. Forgive me, stranger friend, I just don't know what else to say. Other than cats are very much okay! Hahahahaaha. Oh god, I'm trying to rhyme. Look at how childish I can be.

Family or so they say

You know the families that keep in contact with each other? See each other often? Can't get enough of each other?

Are completely inseperable? Yeah, well, if you have that and you're comfortable and secure with it, you, stranger, are lucky.

I fucking love my family, but my family is dysfunctional. I also have this theory forming in my mind that every family js dysfunctional but what do I know? I took an IQ test, guessed on the mathematical questions and got a 103. So clearly, I'm a fucking imbecile. Hahahah, an imbecile who adores having family around.

I'm not the type to keep to myself, so I need company and that kind of company comes from those closest to me. My blood relatives. But those types of people piss me off too, not to mention. They make me want to strangle them and choke them until they're gasping for air.

Yeah. Love-hate relationships, that's the kind of person I am. At times. I mean I love my partner to death, sure, but I do want to kill him. But hold on a minute here... First of all, I do want to choke bitches whom I love but not to death. And I may say I want to "kill you" per se, but do I mean it!? Fuck no!

I'm trying to pursue the gentle art of pacifism, which is ironic because all I want to do is karate chop some bitches. But, alas, I am a coward and I hate pain. I'm not a masochist, but I'll take the pain if you don't want it.. Who does? But I'll sacrifice and take the agony while you laugh and taunt me and if that makes me a masochist, so be it.

Okay, so I admit. I am a masochist, because I often belittle myself and I am willing to take submission, because I hate being empathetic and having whoever I love be situated in a painful ordeal. So I'll switch places with you because it will hurt me to see you in pain.

I guess as a masochist, I really hate the pain of not seeing my family everyday. I know, I know, they're fucked up, but I forgot to mention the cats. They listen, and meow and all ya gotta do is give them some kitten food. Pretty swell huh?

I can take the scratches, the claw marks, the bites, I can take the hissing so I may be a masochist. But do I like it? No, I certainly do not. I just like it when they meow and purr and that's always going to overpower the shitty side of the most spectacular species to ever exist.

Anyways, yeah. About the former topic before I switched on over to cats... Family. You could say I'm family oriented but whatever. Now that's a little strange coming from me. You would think that because of my fucked up face, my fucked up attitude, and the fact that I'm just fucked up in general, that I would blame my family for that. Don't get me wrong, the thought has crossed my mind, especially during my angry, fitful nights... But blaming is wrong. Blaming is weird and blaming will only end up making me the villain.

And I have been the villain, unfortunately.

In brief; they didn't fuck me up. I did. I can't take care of myself for one, and I've tried, oh let me tell ya, I've tried. But I got nowhere. Now how on earth will I be able to maintain a new family if I can't even fucking... Yeah. Lost my train of thought.

My mom? She's great, in fact she's wonderful. But I feel like I've been blinded by my love for her. And that's what I want. I want to not necessarily manipulate my daughter but to charm her into becoming my best friend. Because me and my mom? We used to be best friends, until I found him, and now he's my best friend.

My mom has done some horrible things to me and I've done some horrible things to her. And it saddens me. I love her so much, despite how crooked and greedy she can get, and I feel like there's magic in the air. Because I've fallen underneath her stupid, silly spell of love.

Maybe it's respect, maybe it's because everybody in the world (despite how ungrateful and undeserving they are) needs love. And I don't want to leave everybody else behind, not obtaining the love that they need to survive.

Sometimes that's all you need. Love. Even if you're not asking for it, even if you're not begging or itching for it. Especially if you're desperate for it and we can see it through all the temper tantrums that you throw, wanting nothing more than attention. Attention for your existence.

Attention that you exist. And boy, do you exist. Now be a little kinder, be a little nicer, and one day you'll get the love you finally deserve.

Ah.... Back to the other topic. You see, this is my issue with the English language. I can never switch topics eloquently or correctly. So anyways... You know what makes me want to cry? When a family is so distant, they only ever see each other during weddings and funerals. That's it. Serious shit. It makes me feel like the substance and the weight of the love of the family is quite apart. It's there, but it's not so close, just far.

It makes me sad. Makes me want to have babies and smother them until I die. But I know that would make them feel uneasy and it definitely is a little uncalled for but that's how my parents are treating me, and I honestly don't mind. But too much is too much.

I'm an adult now and it's time that I make my own family. I have that kind of procreation lifestyle going on here. Finding my mate, making offspring if I am capable and if not, fuck it, I'll adopt. Simple as that. Because if I were to have at least one kid, I would be the happiest girl ever. This depression of mine would be cured. I wouldn't need to be sent to mental institutes anymore because I'm not a psycho or anything... I just need the constant love of a child and I'll be alright. I'll be okay, I'll be alright.

Just a post

So... This is just a post.
Nothing more. Just simple words fabricated onto this screen thanks to my thumbs pressing down on these keys.

Hey. You don't like my style? So what? I've never even had style to begin with, so by all means, swap things that look unpleasant and don't appeal to my figure. Because I never really had style to begin with, so by all means let me be your mannequin. I'm not creative enough to look stylish, per se.

I also am really fucking annoying. And boy, do I try hard not to be. But whatever man, some people are just rather annoying, no matter what. I happen to be part of that category. And before I forget to mention, I feel like the only person that can give yourself credit for all the good you do is just simply you. No one else. Everybody else just sees the bad in you.

I don't think that's the wisest choice however. It's also unwise to think the best of people, or to overestimate them because they might fall short and end up disappointing you.

Damn, do I even know what I'm talking about? Probably not. But whatever man. This was just a post. Nothing more. A post to prove that I am not very intelligent, because English isn't my native tongue. Tagalog is, and now I can barely speak that shit. Hence I'm a cretin.

By the way, what is English anyway? Ah whatever. This is just a post. Nothing more. You ought to have a good day now. I may not know you, but I wish you well.

Sacrifices

There is this man, a man in my life, that dwells in the back of my mind.

Most of my life, I kind of live to exist for him. You know, that is my definition of a real existence. When you live for somebody else. When I have children, I will live for them, raise them, feed them, educate them of the little knowledge that remains in the world. And make sure that it's the correct knowledge that they will know about.

I don't want kids with the IQ of 22, coming straight out of the movie Idiocracy, with Frito as their dad. It would be a fun time indeed, but there's no substance. No knowledge. And without knowledge, how on earth will people come to respect my kids if they don't have a single ounce of information stored in their giant brains?

I think that to be completely satisfied in life, you can't be completely selfish and you've got to make sacrifices.

Shit, you don't even want me to list out all the shit I've sacrificed because 1. You'd get tirelessly bored of it. 2. You'd think this entry was a complaint of all the shit that I've given up. 3. There's no point. 4. This list was a waste of time but oh well. I may be called selfish but there are some things people are not aware of, that I have sacrificed. For the sake of their well-being of course. Because to be completely honest with you, that's all I care about. Other than cats, of course.

I think it's alright to make sacrifices, as long as they're not bloody and gorey, and totally unnecessary, if you really, honestly do give a fuck about somebody! Make a sacrifice for them if they truly need it! It will help in the long run, and strengthen your relationship and tighten that bond.

You don't want those bonds to break do you? Loneliness is a deadly drug after all.

Now give a fuck about someone and sacrifice shit! Otherwise you're just a selfish turdduckin who can't think of anybody else's interests other than your own. Which is extremely, extremely selfish. Probably the most selfish that I can even dare imagine.