Overweight to decent, I suppose..?

I used to be a whopping 145 lbs with my gut hanging out, making me look like a laffy taffy consuming oompa loompa. I went to the beach a lot and got tan and I had green hair, so the resemblance to me was there.

But now..? Now? Haha, now, I'm just 120 to 122 lbs. It fluctuates. And the thing is, I didn't even exercise much. I just like walked. And I walked not that much... Either. Maybe it's because I have an okay metabolism.

If I had a great metabolism, I wouldn't have been overweight and the thing is, I'm 5'3", so imagine that. A kind of tall (haha not really) to a kind of short (not really again..) woman losing 23 lbs doing nothing except walking. Walking is the easiest form of exercise that I can think of, plus it gets you places. Except I am a slow ass walker, and my boyfriend is hella fast and gets pissed off when I'm 10 feet behind him because he's too fast for me! But do ya see what I mean!? Walking might help you lose at least 1 pound! If not more... It all depends really.

On your body, how exercise affects it, and your metabolism. But damn, if I were to hit 150, that would be the fattest weight I've ever been and I would've dubbed myself obese for the sake of others rudely stating the obvious. I know, don't need to remind me. Being called obese is like telling a poor, unfortunate, anorexic person to eat a goddamn burger. It's wrong and immoral through my eyes, and it should be to everybody else, I daresay!

Well yup... This was about my weight and I'm kind of happy with my weight now. Phew*** I'm actually happy about something about myself. Imagine that, hehe. My body? The figure of it? It's not the best, but it ain't the worse. I have the smallest boobs ever haha yet I'm still a b? But, they look flat as fuck and I'm totally fine with that, but it's not the bust I need to work on, it's the ass area. Haha I lack in that area tremendously. I need a butt, I also need to get rid of these love handles and get larger hips. Oh dear... All I'm thinking of are squats to get to this position in my life that will make me happier.

So a squat might get rid of the love handles and give the illusion that some hips might've appeared, but yeah, I'm just far too lazy to do shit right now. Especially since I'm already kind of happy with my weight. Still got a flabby belly, but whatever man. Who cares, at least I look like a stick again. A stick because I have no curves and the squat maneuver looks very terrifying so yeah...

Maybe next time. I'm just too lazy haha.

Oh boy do I hate who I am

Or how others see who I am.

Actually, scratch that. I don't mind if a person sees me as a person completely opposite of who I am. I don't care. Those are the thoughts and the opinions of a stranger, so they ought to not matter, and they don't.

But when it's somebody you love, somebody you care about, somebody you can't imagine living without, somebody who you rely on endlessly because you kinda need them in your life, otherwise what would be the purpose of living, ya know?

As for me, since I daresay I'm not a charlatan even though I am stuck up sometimes and like to call people idiots for clearly being idiots, I shouldn't because I'd end up being a damn right hypocrite. I too am an idiot, so who am I to judge others for their faulty errors?

We all make mistakes, and some of us (me, for example since I declare myself to be a simple-minded individual) don't learn from those mistakes, as many times as they come because we just can't. We don't have the mental capacity to learn from those lessons, so they just end up being mistakes that we get over and over again.

It makes us feel insane, with how repetitive these lessons are and how similar they are to the ones we never learned from. Okay, I'm sorry. I wrote that down and it made no fucking sense to me, so let me reiterate in briefer terms: I am an idiot because I never learn from my mistakes. Hopefully that will make some sort of sense.

I'm sorry, I want to be a writer so bad. Number one job is to write or to cook but I can't cook for my life or I'd burn the house down, and I don't make any fucking sense, so why the fuck do I need to write? Haha. I'm a lost cause when it comes to finding a profession, plus I'm disabled and who the fuck hires disabled people? I don't know...

I never know. I'm an idiot. I'm a millennial fool, who knows nothing about the world or anything inside of it. Wow, I hate myself. I need to fix myself. How the fuck do I grow up? I always thought of myself as a mature teenager back in those years but oh, I was wrong.

I'm not mature. I'm immature. And I hate it. I don't want to be born in this stupid generation of idiots who think they're fucking geniuses and they goddamn should know better, but hey, they don't! They're just ignorant fools and I'm just a stuck up bitch about it.

If you were such a genius, do something about the world then, for crying out loud! Be like Einstein or Tesla! Be on their level of genius. In fact, I doubt geniuses even have social circles and I doubt they even socialize much. Just a little bit. They're most of the time, introverted and don't like to deal with people because people will probably dumb them down and they gotta keep those synapses ready at every waking moment. Can't have another person distract their synapses from functioning correctly.

So, if you're a genius, do something about the world. Change it. Be like that Buzz Aldrin fella, and travel to the moon and I don't know why I added that, sorry, but I think that space travel is going to make your brain function better?? I don't know... Engineering, how to get there, etc. Those types of things you can learn as you head up to the moon and possibly the other planets!?

Don't just say you're a genius, unless you got foolproof evidence to back it up, otherwise you're just a charlatan dear stranger. Just a charlatan, and I can never take a charlatan seriously. And if the whole world were to take you seriously, self-proclaimed genius, the world would soon be doomed.

Ah, I don't know

So... I've been away from this for a bit. I just felt like life without distractions would suck, and believe me, it does. And that ain't my depression talking for me, it originates from what I've seen and how cruelly this world treats its inhabitants.

Maybe that's where my depression stems from, not necessarily acute observation of how blatantly the world shits on every fucking body in the whole goddamned world. It gives you diseases that you can't cure. Hey cancer! Begone you! It kills you because people get so angry, angry to the point of intent to murder, and bam, you're dead. It's just this world is too intense for me to live in, too overwhelming.

Hey, I'm back again

So ... I can't. For the life of me, stay off my phone.

I suck at that. And plus, need I remind myself that writing or typing (what have you) soothes my stupid soul. This soul is a nuisance to me, always haunting me with memories from the past. Oh and get this...

My past? It wasn't even that horrible!!! For fucks sake man. Everybody goes through shit, I was just hypersensitive and couldn't take responsibility for anything that I did wrong because I was a bad person. And I am so fucking dumb, because I failed miserably, ruined peoples lives, and I don't know man (probably sent them to mental hospitals because I psychologically fucked with their heads) and that shit is uncalled for. That shit is beyond fucked up. And now, I can admit to being the fucked up person that I was.

And I most certainly do not want to go back to those days ever again. I mean shit, I worked once right?? (Fuck, working and I don't mix. I'm too sensitive for this world.) I was working, and bitch ass blonde tall lanky yet chunky middle-manager yelled at me for being fucking disabled. Hahahajajahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahshahahaha, big mistake lady, because I had a headache after her yelling session and I took an entire bottle of aspirin.

Had to get checked into the emergency room for that and then after, they took me to a mental institute. It sucks man. Life sucks man. Don't fucking yell at someone if you can tell they're already broken and recovering, or you'll break them again and they need to go back to recovering at the mental institute. Like honestly people. Come on. Come the fuck on.

Staying off my phone for a while

Just a warning. To myself. Because I'm the only one that reads this shit, that I need to write because I'd get so emotional and shit without it and I don't make sense now... So yup. I hate phones. I hate technology.

I hate the internet. And I'm gonna go... So yeah. Goodbye. Ouch.

These are the things that I need

To be happier than I am right now... I need to get better. I hate who I am. I hate who I've become. I hate how disgusting and repulsive I am. I hate everything about me.

I hate that I think like an adolescent child. I hate how sometimes, I don't even think. I hate how bitchy I can be. I hate how vicious and hostile I can be. I hate everything in the world about me, and I hate how selfish I can be. I mean, I know I don't matter, but, but I act like I do, and like, most of the time, I'm an idiot. Most...? I meant all.

Why

Why do I always get sad so often?
Whenever, whenever I fuck up or make a mistake, proving to the world just how dumb and idiotic I can be, everybody else lashes out at me. Hey, hey, hey. Don't get carried away now. I know that I fucked up, but since it affects you greatly, it makes me want to seek solitude even more. I don't want to fuck up anyones lives anymore. And I can only do that by staying away from them. So I'll stay away from them, even if it kills me.

Because loneliness is a deadly thing sometimes. Sometimes, I just need company. But, but, I'm just tired of the world.. Oh fuck. I fucked up again and again and again. Wow... I don't even know anymore.

Hey... I don't know

I'm always bitter. I'm always sad. I always want to take my goddamned life. And I'm always misunderstood.

And it's because, it's because people get on my last goddamned nerve. I swear to it. It's so stupid. I'm so stupid. I think living is stupid. Especially if living equals dealing with pain because I get targeted for pain every fucking day, and the pain stings and damn does it stay. It never goes the fuck away and I am very tired of it. Very.

I just need to die. Ah, I'll be surprised if I hit 30 years old because life is fucking killing me man, but hey, you wouldn't fucking understand. Who does? I'm just an attention whore after all... But I just want peace and then all of this seeking attention bullshit will go away.

I still don't know how to stand up for myself

I'm weak... And it sucks because it shows and people take advantage of it. And I don't know. I just want to cry all the pain away because people and how they treat me, leave me feeling miserable, to say the least.

I don't know. I just hate the fact that humans feel. Life is suffering, I suppose. Too much? Just end it, because I've felt just about all that I can take of all this suffering.