One of my last posts maybe, maybe not

But I was just thinking...
Sure, me and my boyfriend. We don't get along much.
Because I am so stubborn. But I love him so goddamn much. I don't know how I could possibly let him go.

I'm the type of girl who will admit to the fact that I am not friendly when I feel tension in the air. I will be cold. Otherwise, I'm happy go lucky and friendly in a childish, bubbly way. Most people think it's annoying however. So I'm either sweet or sour, depending on my mood.

And who I am is a person to never ever let go of anyone that I hold dear and I treasure above all in my heart. You aren't an object to me, you're a gift. Something that should be treated with respect, first and foremost, and something that should be known for its worth and treasured because of it. People who don't treasure you are just straight up dissing you, lest you forget.

So just know when I respect you, when I treat you like you matter because you do. So much. Without your heart beating, I would feel incomplete or broken. I need you alive, I need you breathing. I need you to realize that I've never really asked much for a person other than for them to simply exist. If you just existed, that would give me great relief. Oh damn... I'm a misery seeker sure.

And that's why nobody likes me, except for my cats and my boyfriend. And apparently, according to laymen, I'm a psycho because of my past. But hey, they are so right. I am a psycho. A good one, I'd gather. One that can't ever let go of the people that I hold near and dear to my wretched yet recovering heart. I don't want to be wicked anymore, and I just want there to be peace and serenity amongst us. Because me and my partner...?

We have a lot in common. In fact, I don't know anyone else alive who has more in common with me. The thing is, he doesn't like the Disney corporation and guess what? He's so convincing that he kind of made me dislike it too. A person that changes who you are is something that I can only admire and look up to. He changed me, whether he knows it or not and I am utterly grateful. And just so y'all know, I'm trying so hard to change myself.

I don't want to be the sad, drama queen that gets her way every time she fucking cries like a spoiled brat anymore. But I'm glad I have an insightful person in my life to let me know of all the things that I'm oblivious to and blinded by, so that I can change and become better.

That's all I really ever want to be.

Sex... and my unwarranted opinions on it

I lost my virginity at 18. This is what comes to mind when I think about sex. Babies. That's it. Offspring. Just the natural reaction to having successful sex. That's all that my mind can process. Why? Oh not much... I'm not dry anymore, like I used to be. Being dry made me have sex casually, which I personally think is somewhat shameful and dirty and something that nobody should be proud of.

You don't want to go around claiming you need sex because you haven't had it in a while. It sounds slutty, to tell you the truth and I know from personal experience. I was a self-proclaimed slut when I got out of the hospital. I entered the hospital with a boyfriend (shitty boyfriend didn't even visit me at the hospital to see the goddamn stitches on my forehead, hah) and left the hospital without one, so, I needed some physical action.

Not from anybody that I cared about of course, so that casual sex flings continued until I came across the one guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with forever.

Anyways, what I was getting at is that for my body type and physique and tightness or whatthefuckever, sex fucking hurts. I hate it. Maybe I'm abnormal, but sex doesn't appeal to me like it does for the rest of the world. It fucking hurts. It's like a hammer being thrust into you until you've lost all capability to breathe. It just makes me sore and have to pee constantly. I fucking hate it. Okay, now I'm done. Wow... After all this time, I thought I could handle sex. Six years later, and I still don't like it. But I do enjoy kissing. Just not rough, get inside of me, but gently please, or I'll want to fucking kill myself if you go in too hard. I hate it. I only like it when it's emotional, and our bond and connection is strengthening. Otherwise, I fucking hate sex.

Call me asexual, call me a hater of sex, but I do enjoy watching pornography. It's lovely looking at other people's naked bodies working in harmony to create the perfect orgasms. Or whatever it is they're trying to achieve. It's like a work of art. Beautiful sounds of moaning, grunting is odd though, but I like it when they moan. When they talk however, that kind of turns me off. It's not a conversation you guys (Sasha Grey) it's just sex.

Just fuck for Pete's sake. And then, it will be a masterpiece. I'm just saying, maybe I'm a prude or something but the foul, nasty shit that people say while fucking, like "pee on me," or "lemme swallow it all," grosses me out. Just be happy with each other and intertwine in sex and you'll be alright and you'll be classy. Don't ask for weird shit to happen, unless of course, those are your odd fantasies. Well, that's it guys. Those are my opinions on sex. If you disagree, that's alright. I'm pretty sure the vast majority of the world's population would disagree. Most people need sex. Hell, that's why we've got sex offenders in this downtrodden world.

Just a decent reminder

Hello again. Elle here and I just wanted to remind your tough, stubborn, unwillingly to change your filthy mind up brain that we should all be like cats.

Of various colors, and of various shapes and sizes, and guess what? None of them get shamed for it! Nor do they feel inferior from it. Nor do they feel guilty for having blue and purple stripes rather than orange and black stripes that a tiger usually has. It isn't the difference in our skin color that sparks up the negative tension between two cats, I mean humans here. Well, I guess it is because we are so primitive to the core. More primitive than cats I take it? And I don't want that to be the case.

We'd be savages. I don't want to be a savage, well, I don't mind being a savage! As long as I'm an enlightened savage of course. That's it. Otherwise, I'd be an imbecile, coming straight out of the caves like a Neanderthal and people would be like typical people and laugh at me for not knowing any better because I've been living in a rock.

But come the fuck on. So what if Kenyans have that Kenyan vibe to their culture and Koreans eat dogs or whatever. Hey! I'm Asian!! So don't take offense, fellow Korean Asians. But who the fuck cares!!?! And why, oh why are people so fucking shallow!?

If a person has features that you don't like? Great!! But keep it to your damn (kinda racist) self, please and thank you or you'll spark up a riot and those people who were born with claimed ugly facial features and an ugly physique will come hunting you down until you take back those corrupt, shameful words.

People are just born the way they are fucking born!!! You either get used to it and you form a great (sometimes everlasting) bond with them or you just hate them because they're different, have a different culture and have a different shade of skin. Like honestly? So much familiarity, for crissakes. Just marry your goddamn sister if you want everything to be the goddamn same.

Why not just live a little?

Overweight to decent, I suppose..?

I used to be a whopping 145 lbs with my gut hanging out, making me look like a laffy taffy consuming oompa loompa. I went to the beach a lot and got tan and I had green hair, so the resemblance to me was there.

But now..? Now? Haha, now, I'm just 120 to 122 lbs. It fluctuates. And the thing is, I didn't even exercise much. I just like walked. And I walked not that much... Either. Maybe it's because I have an okay metabolism.

If I had a great metabolism, I wouldn't have been overweight and the thing is, I'm 5'3", so imagine that. A kind of tall (haha not really) to a kind of short (not really again..) woman losing 23 lbs doing nothing except walking. Walking is the easiest form of exercise that I can think of, plus it gets you places. Except I am a slow ass walker, and my boyfriend is hella fast and gets pissed off when I'm 10 feet behind him because he's too fast for me! But do ya see what I mean!? Walking might help you lose at least 1 pound! If not more... It all depends really.

On your body, how exercise affects it, and your metabolism. But damn, if I were to hit 150, that would be the fattest weight I've ever been and I would've dubbed myself obese for the sake of others rudely stating the obvious. I know, don't need to remind me. Being called obese is like telling a poor, unfortunate, anorexic person to eat a goddamn burger. It's wrong and immoral through my eyes, and it should be to everybody else, I daresay!

Well yup... This was about my weight and I'm kind of happy with my weight now. Phew*** I'm actually happy about something about myself. Imagine that, hehe. My body? The figure of it? It's not the best, but it ain't the worse. I have the smallest boobs ever haha yet I'm still a b? But, they look flat as fuck and I'm totally fine with that, but it's not the bust I need to work on, it's the ass area. Haha I lack in that area tremendously. I need a butt, I also need to get rid of these love handles and get larger hips. Oh dear... All I'm thinking of are squats to get to this position in my life that will make me happier.

So a squat might get rid of the love handles and give the illusion that some hips might've appeared, but yeah, I'm just far too lazy to do shit right now. Especially since I'm already kind of happy with my weight. Still got a flabby belly, but whatever man. Who cares, at least I look like a stick again. A stick because I have no curves and the squat maneuver looks very terrifying so yeah...

Maybe next time. I'm just too lazy haha.

Oh boy do I hate who I am

Or how others see who I am.

Actually, scratch that. I don't mind if a person sees me as a person completely opposite of who I am. I don't care. Those are the thoughts and the opinions of a stranger, so they ought to not matter, and they don't.

But when it's somebody you love, somebody you care about, somebody you can't imagine living without, somebody who you rely on endlessly because you kinda need them in your life, otherwise what would be the purpose of living, ya know?

As for me, since I daresay I'm not a charlatan even though I am stuck up sometimes and like to call people idiots for clearly being idiots, I shouldn't because I'd end up being a damn right hypocrite. I too am an idiot, so who am I to judge others for their faulty errors?

We all make mistakes, and some of us (me, for example since I declare myself to be a simple-minded individual) don't learn from those mistakes, as many times as they come because we just can't. We don't have the mental capacity to learn from those lessons, so they just end up being mistakes that we get over and over again.

It makes us feel insane, with how repetitive these lessons are and how similar they are to the ones we never learned from. Okay, I'm sorry. I wrote that down and it made no fucking sense to me, so let me reiterate in briefer terms: I am an idiot because I never learn from my mistakes. Hopefully that will make some sort of sense.

I'm sorry, I want to be a writer so bad. Number one job is to write or to cook but I can't cook for my life or I'd burn the house down, and I don't make any fucking sense, so why the fuck do I need to write? Haha. I'm a lost cause when it comes to finding a profession, plus I'm disabled and who the fuck hires disabled people? I don't know...

I never know. I'm an idiot. I'm a millennial fool, who knows nothing about the world or anything inside of it. Wow, I hate myself. I need to fix myself. How the fuck do I grow up? I always thought of myself as a mature teenager back in those years but oh, I was wrong.

I'm not mature. I'm immature. And I hate it. I don't want to be born in this stupid generation of idiots who think they're fucking geniuses and they goddamn should know better, but hey, they don't! They're just ignorant fools and I'm just a stuck up bitch about it.

If you were such a genius, do something about the world then, for crying out loud! Be like Einstein or Tesla! Be on their level of genius. In fact, I doubt geniuses even have social circles and I doubt they even socialize much. Just a little bit. They're most of the time, introverted and don't like to deal with people because people will probably dumb them down and they gotta keep those synapses ready at every waking moment. Can't have another person distract their synapses from functioning correctly.

So, if you're a genius, do something about the world. Change it. Be like that Buzz Aldrin fella, and travel to the moon and I don't know why I added that, sorry, but I think that space travel is going to make your brain function better?? I don't know... Engineering, how to get there, etc. Those types of things you can learn as you head up to the moon and possibly the other planets!?

Don't just say you're a genius, unless you got foolproof evidence to back it up, otherwise you're just a charlatan dear stranger. Just a charlatan, and I can never take a charlatan seriously. And if the whole world were to take you seriously, self-proclaimed genius, the world would soon be doomed.

Ah, I don't know

So... I've been away from this for a bit. I just felt like life without distractions would suck, and believe me, it does. And that ain't my depression talking for me, it originates from what I've seen and how cruelly this world treats its inhabitants.

Maybe that's where my depression stems from, not necessarily acute observation of how blatantly the world shits on every fucking body in the whole goddamned world. It gives you diseases that you can't cure. Hey cancer! Begone you! It kills you because people get so angry, angry to the point of intent to murder, and bam, you're dead. It's just this world is too intense for me to live in, too overwhelming.

Hey, I'm back again

So ... I can't. For the life of me, stay off my phone.

I suck at that. And plus, need I remind myself that writing or typing (what have you) soothes my stupid soul. This soul is a nuisance to me, always haunting me with memories from the past. Oh and get this...

My past? It wasn't even that horrible!!! For fucks sake man. Everybody goes through shit, I was just hypersensitive and couldn't take responsibility for anything that I did wrong because I was a bad person. And I am so fucking dumb, because I failed miserably, ruined peoples lives, and I don't know man (probably sent them to mental hospitals because I psychologically fucked with their heads) and that shit is uncalled for. That shit is beyond fucked up. And now, I can admit to being the fucked up person that I was.

And I most certainly do not want to go back to those days ever again. I mean shit, I worked once right?? (Fuck, working and I don't mix. I'm too sensitive for this world.) I was working, and bitch ass blonde tall lanky yet chunky middle-manager yelled at me for being fucking disabled. Hahahajajahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahshahahaha, big mistake lady, because I had a headache after her yelling session and I took an entire bottle of aspirin.

Had to get checked into the emergency room for that and then after, they took me to a mental institute. It sucks man. Life sucks man. Don't fucking yell at someone if you can tell they're already broken and recovering, or you'll break them again and they need to go back to recovering at the mental institute. Like honestly people. Come on. Come the fuck on.

Staying off my phone for a while

Just a warning. To myself. Because I'm the only one that reads this shit, that I need to write because I'd get so emotional and shit without it and I don't make sense now... So yup. I hate phones. I hate technology.

I hate the internet. And I'm gonna go... So yeah. Goodbye. Ouch.

These are the things that I need

To be happier than I am right now... I need to get better. I hate who I am. I hate who I've become. I hate how disgusting and repulsive I am. I hate everything about me.

I hate that I think like an adolescent child. I hate how sometimes, I don't even think. I hate how bitchy I can be. I hate how vicious and hostile I can be. I hate everything in the world about me, and I hate how selfish I can be. I mean, I know I don't matter, but, but I act like I do, and like, most of the time, I'm an idiot. Most...? I meant all.

Why

Why do I always get sad so often?
Whenever, whenever I fuck up or make a mistake, proving to the world just how dumb and idiotic I can be, everybody else lashes out at me. Hey, hey, hey. Don't get carried away now. I know that I fucked up, but since it affects you greatly, it makes me want to seek solitude even more. I don't want to fuck up anyones lives anymore. And I can only do that by staying away from them. So I'll stay away from them, even if it kills me.

Because loneliness is a deadly thing sometimes. Sometimes, I just need company. But, but, I'm just tired of the world.. Oh fuck. I fucked up again and again and again. Wow... I don't even know anymore.

Hey... I don't know

I'm always bitter. I'm always sad. I always want to take my goddamned life. And I'm always misunderstood.

And it's because, it's because people get on my last goddamned nerve. I swear to it. It's so stupid. I'm so stupid. I think living is stupid. Especially if living equals dealing with pain because I get targeted for pain every fucking day, and the pain stings and damn does it stay. It never goes the fuck away and I am very tired of it. Very.

I just need to die. Ah, I'll be surprised if I hit 30 years old because life is fucking killing me man, but hey, you wouldn't fucking understand. Who does? I'm just an attention whore after all... But I just want peace and then all of this seeking attention bullshit will go away.

I still don't know how to stand up for myself

I'm weak... And it sucks because it shows and people take advantage of it. And I don't know. I just want to cry all the pain away because people and how they treat me, leave me feeling miserable, to say the least.

I don't know. I just hate the fact that humans feel. Life is suffering, I suppose. Too much? Just end it, because I've felt just about all that I can take of all this suffering.

Astrology is fake and bullshit

Through my eyes. Of course.

And you know what really ticks me the fuck off? When people don't talk to me or anything of that matter because they asked for my birthdate and decided, "Oh, she's a Leo? Wow! Isn't that the biggest, fattest attention whore around!? Well, that's what astrology says, so I'm going to let astrology guide my gullible mind and let it control my life! Including excluding this Leo lady out of my life! I don't need her drama!"

Actually, I'm not really a Leo. I'm a Cancer, or that is my most prominent sign in my natal chart. Oh and my partner? He's not a Libra, he's a Sagittarius, because that is the most prominent in his natal chart. Pretty neat eh?

And I hate how many times strangers have come up to me asking me my sign and shit, while I project myself incorrectly and since I'm so gosh darned bubbly, I have to be a Leo! Hah. One time, a dude thought I was a Scorpio. And I have seen some people inking themselves with scorpions for, tada, a representation of their zodiac sign, the Scorpio or even a Dragon, if we're talking about Chinese astrology here. I'm a rooster however. And roosters on your flesh, that stays there permanently?

Um... That would look like a catastrophe. A fucking chicken? As well as a Lion? Hahahahahaha. Um... I'm not even going to go with the symbols either. I mean, take a look for yourself and see, and make your judgements please. So, the symbols, you know for each sign? They're like Egyptian scribbles and those are pretty and all but personally, I believe that that shit on my flesh would look weird as fuck! Who even created that? Who even created astrology? How do we even know it works? Which sign is the most curious sign? Maybe Aquarius, I don't know, but I'll tell you one thing, people who blindly put their faith into peeking into the future through astrology is kind of wasting a lot of their time. We don't need to read shit about it, we can make the future what it needs to be.

And so far, ever since I read about Leos and their traits and abilities, I fucking hate the sign with all my might. And I'm trying so hard to not be like it. First of all, confidence? Hah, confidence... That eludes me greatly. I am a pushover, I am a victim, just like you are. And I'll tell you why: I lack courage. I am a coward and that's why my self-esteem has decreased into nothingness.

Does that sound like a goddamn Leo to you? Oh and I am bossy, I'll give it that but most of the time, I don't want to fight... (Probably because my ascendant is in Libra and we want to avoid fights as much as possible right?) I don't want to fight, so I keep to myself and keep my mouth shut hoping that people will go away because they piss me off, and I just want to boss them around because what they're doing is so off-putting but I want to be polite about it too. But I know there's no way of going about that. So yeah...

Now I'm allllll alone, which is lonely as fuck, so I've got the best company in the world. My lovely cat Sammwich and my lovely human MattChew. They know how to keep me sane and not lose control because of humans and their unruly antics and behaviors and shit... Ugh. Hate humans, do you get me? Does astrology get that?

Why doesn't astrology teach us about who is introverted and extroverted and who is in between? Like me perhaps? An ambivert? When I socialize too much, I go home, lay down on the mattress, exhausted from talking mind you! and rest. I'm not an air sign, so we fire signs don't partake in intellectual connection as much as they do (air signs are the smartest, says astrology, and since they're biased and fucking adore the scorpio sign too, they said that it is the most perceptive, as well as the sexiest and the most powerful. See why I hate astrology? Hah, funny.) But you see, I'm a fire sign and I'm the laziest fire sign in the world.

Now I know little of astrology, but aren't the signs of fire supposed to be active and on the go? Shitttt.... I would love that. But it's for my mental health and for general well-being, not because I'm a goddamn roaring Leo from the fiery abyss of a figurative volcano. I don't know man.

It's just, if you trust astrology and all the shitty parts of it and you're honestly as gullible and as naive as I used to be and would take part in befriending folks because of their signs???? I won't ever, ever take you seriously.

I'm sorry. You'd have to be ditzy because of that, and I'm the one over here who recovered from severe traumatic brain injury that left me in a coma for over a month, so...

Traveling is my ultimate goal

I'm not like the rest.

Because I know I'm a spoiled rotten kid, hahah. And it sucks a lot when people can't own up to their responsibilities and just admit to their shortcomings and wrongdoings.

But then again, when an opponent and I are fighting, they think I can't hold myself accountable either, oh but I do. I do all the time. Where do you think this depression comes from? The guilt that festers in me and builds and builds, making me cry up a Tsunami, and wanting nothing more than forgiveness for treating people like shit or taking advantage of the situation. They might think that way, and guess what? I agree. Yet they continue fighting with me? It's odd. But whatever.

Hmm... I just want to travel so I fucking know how lucky and privileged I truly am compared to everybody else living in this shitty yet glorious world. Take me to Cambodia and compare the two places that we live in. California versus Cambodia? Yeah. California wins.

Do they even have good, various types of food in Cambodia? Probably, but now I'm just being selfish and just talking about what I want. I'm pretty darned sure that Cambodian food is quite delectable however! Anyways, I just want to see how different people living in different regions see life and how their philosophies are. That's one of the reasons why I would adore traveling.

Good company is all I need

And essentially, that's all anyone ever really needs.

And I'll tell you why. Your company reflects on who you are. You want to be a better person? Then surround yourself with good, inspirational, kind, caring people and while you're completely unawares, with a blink of an eye, you'll change. You'll become better.

However, if you surround yourself with small-minded, petty people that love to badmouth others because they have nothing else productive to do all day, then you'll end up like them. Not saying that badmouthing is productive, in fact, it's counterproductive. It's demeaning, it's also going to stab at your sense of being what most people like to refer to themselves as goodnatured. Just know that wasting time being snarky and critical of others is a goddamn waste of time and waste of energy.

There is no point to it at all. But whatever. It's all up to you. Never was my decision. Never will be. That would make me a dictator, trying to change your life? Hah. Nah sweetheart, I'm too preoccupied with trying to change mine. Look. Before the assaults and the attacks come forth, just know that I agree with whatever slander or truth that it is you would like to convey to me. I am guilty of being the most negative piece of shit in the world.

And you know what's keeping me from going overboard? This guilt, in the back of my mind, in my subconscious, repeating my mistakes to me, haunting me with memories of my past. I know I suck. I know it all. But it doesn't hurt to be reminded, so go ahead. Be contemptuous. Just know that being contemptuous towards a stranger is not very kind, especially if you don't know what that strangers been through. All the agony and pain they've dealt with.

But whatever... It's not like everyone wants what I want. And I'm beyond happy for that. I like being me. I like that I desire to be the best that I can be. The kindest, the one with empathy. The one that gives an actual shit about shit, and doesn't give a shit about trivial nonsense like the others do. So much of wanting to get their nails done, or threading their eyebrows, or whatever else with the grooming that's done to impress whoever it is we want to impress. I don't care about that. I care about kung fu, and jazz music. I care about kick boxing and self-defense. I care about food too, mm, food makes me so happy. Makes all of the dopamine or whatever the happy chemical is release from me. I don't even particularly know how that shit works, because I for one am not a genius, so excuse me. But food sure does make me happy. And I want you to be happy too.

Just make sure your happiness doesn't deplete the happiness of other people with such petty antics.

Words hurt

Oh do they hurt so much. And I'm the type of person to take things to heart. I take things personally and I fucking hate that because everybody will end up thinking...

"Oh Elle? She's just a problematic child adult who thinks only of herself so that's why she thinks we're picking on her, but whatever. I'm just a goddamn bully sometimes." and you don't even know it, do you? Well yup! I'm childish. I'm shallow. Oh and guess what!? It doesn't hurt to spit out the goddamn truth. Like it hurts other people to admit to the fact that they are what they are, because they seem so goddamn oblivious to it.

But hey that's me, coming directly from yours truly. A selfish prick, who tells people what to do because I've got an Aries moon nearly turning into Taurus, (which makes sense because I am the biggest foodie I know around) and Aries people are bossy and domineering or so I've heard with a big fat ton of ego yet I have the nerve to tell you about my flaws without shame and without regret?

Damn. I don't know man. I have never been enlightened or anything but I know of what my negative traits are. Do you? Or are you too proud (like my Aries Moon) to admit to it? Hmm??

Astrology pisses me off sometimes. I've got two fire signs in my Sun and my Moon and they're both egotistical and yet I can tell you straight up what the fuck I am (negatively) without hurting said ego and my non-existent pride. So...

Yessss!!! I am selfish! Yes I believe it's okay to be selfish for a while because I have been living for people for so long, forgetting about my own well being and it sucked the life out of me. Made me depressed even more and shit so take the time out of your day and pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and put yourself together before somebody else does it, in a reckless maneuver.

Yesssss, yessss, yesss! I am a bitch! But somebody's got to be a bitch in order to tell people what's up. Keep them updated even in a harsh way, as long as it gets through their dense skulls. You've got to be harsh. You've got to perform discipline otherwise people will become fucking spoiled ass rotten privileged fucks who don't even know it at all. And doesn't that suck about people?

When they don't even know who the fuck they are? So we (the bitches and the sons of bitches) have got to point it out to them? "Hey, you're being a goddamn bitch right now," says bitch to another bitch, and that's just the way the cookie crumbles around here. I respect bitches when they are needed, not bitches who are bitches because they feel a sense of superiority to everyone else. I say fuck that shit. Those bitches can suck on a toe for all I care.

I'm also a liar. I'm a goddamn liar. But fuck that pathological, compulsive lying bullshit!!! That shit ruins peoples lives!!!! So no, I don't lie for that reason. Everybody fucking lies and don't you get into an argument with me on that because nothing, not one thing will change my mind. I lie when I need to. Not to fuck somebody else over. And not to fuck up the situation either but I'm kind of dull so that oftentimes happens. Through simple little white lies. It fucks up shit. So I'm trying to tell the truth, but too much truth can also fuck up a situation too. You know what I mean? If you don't, that's okay, I wouldn't understand it the first time around.

Oh world... Why do you have to fuck up my life so much? Oh Elle. It's mostly, no entirely your fault. Quit fucking blaming the world. You're like this because your demeanor is like this. You crave sadness for some odd fucking reason and it sucks. Makes you want to die. But don't you dare fucking die or I'll seriously kill you myself. Hah. Wouldn't that be funny huh. Whatever. Fuck!!! I just want to make sense with the world. I fucking hate it all. I fucking hate everything. Why can't anyone, anybody understand that shit?

Why can't anyone understand me? I need to die.

Inshape gyms are bad

You meet pretty fucked up people there.

You see, I went swimming once and this one guy, younger than me along with three other guys hit on my sister and me while we were swimming in the pool. They looked or acted Hispanic, but I can't tell through looking at a person what their ethnicity is, but they acted like cholos.

And then, I went to school and the guy that hit on me was in one of my college classes. Um, fuck that school and fuck that disrespectful guy. You don't even want to know how he's disrespectful so I won't tell you why.

Oh and, one time, while I was swimming, a mother, probably from the middle east or something, she was dark like that watched her children swim but I could tell she was staring at me, and then I leave and go take a shower in the locker room and she has her child shower in the shower right next to mine, but I still had my swim suit on because this lady was a fucking creep!!!!!

She seriously moved my fucking curtain to fucking look at my half naked body for some goddamn unknown reason and that made me extremely uncomfortable. Like shit woman!!! Would you like it if I looked at your flabby old body too!? Ugh. God I fucking hate people.

Which is why I need to stay away from creeps like that.

Drifting off... Into my own world

Well, hi again. Just stepping out of reality and entering my own world where only I get destructed and damaged and no one else...

I keep telling myself over and over again, sure there are some people on this planet who are fucked up beyond measure and deserve to live on Mars, but why try to risk your life, trying to rid yourself of these people? When if they're away, they're already away so why waste my thoughts and my stupid brainpower on thinking about them? Especially when I could be thinking about helping humanity, instead of focusing on all the fucked up people who have personally fucked up my life? Yeah. I know. I know. It makes me sound selfish, because I admit to it. I am. And no, I'm not proud of it.

(But at least I would ask if you wanted a slurpee cause I'm getting one too and hey, guess what?! It's all on me, not trying to get on your good side, I just don't want you getting thirsty is all, so I'm not selfish when it comes to objects and shit, just emotionally. And that sucks.)

You see, that's my issue with the world. If we were all happy and shit, and smiling and spreading joy and happiness and shit, then that would reflect on me. But so far, this world is corrupt and cruel, and I'm trying so hard not to let it affect me, oh, but it's quite hard ya know?

Reflections. That's what it's all about. I mean to say, that's how my personality is, because I am not a strong enough person to dictate my own traits, so I take the ones I think I need from observing others and I tweak them and perform them. This is all because I'm an impressionable young adult, easily influenced by things that I have an affinity for.

Such as cats. Oh boy, I didn't know that I would love cats until I got my man cat, Lycan but now that I moved out of my family home and am living with my boyfriend, he already had an older, cuter, better, nay, the best cat ever, named Sandwich. But if you're cool and you're obviously not trying to change people but are just naturally inspiring, I'll just mimic whatever it is you do. However, if you want everybody to copy you, and it shows in how you project yourself, well fuck off with that nonsense. Just be you and if you're cool enough, I'll reflect you. Shit, I'm already trying to reflect my boyfriend. Am I getting anywhere? Hah!! Nope! I will never attain his level of pristine self-awareness or identity and I'm not gonna copy his entire personality, just picking up the traits I need that he already has. Like being assertive, because I am a pushover and so help me God, I will butcher anyone like Cameron Dallas or whoever the fuck wants to put their goddann number on Twitter and "pretend text" me when really it was just plenty of different ass people or whatever. I don't know. But that moment made me want to kill Cameron fucking Dallas man. He is absolutely mental, and no honey, not in a good way. Sure, I've been in mental institutes but he needs solitary confinement because-ugh. I'm done with that bullshit and all of the bullshit he gave me.

It wasn't surprising that he never apologized either. Guy thinks he's a goddamn celebrity but he's also a religious zealot, so why think you're superior to a lowly commoner such as me? Keep thinking that way, and you'll burn in hell Mr. Dallas. It's a good thing that I'm not Catholic or Christian or Muslim or Hebrew or whatever because I believe in no Gods, just petty little myths. So in your delusional, religious fantasy, I'll gladly burn in hell.

But enough about that and that fucking me over scenario. Kind of ruined my life for a little bit. My self-esteem took a nosedive because I would send anonymous Dallas cute pictures of me with my weird smaller eye due to my accident, and then I see other ladies on the internet mocking my style. That was fucking rude and disrespectful. You don't do that to someone who was deformed during a car crash, unless you're just an unfriendly, contemptible kind of person. You're just not worthy of respecting. At all. Sorry to say it man.

But this eye of mine. They're not the same size. Made me want to fucking kill myself too sometimes hah, but hey, now a lot of people know how fucked up the villain Elle is in all her pictures sent to anonymous texter, troll Cameron Dallas, and now we can make fun of her! Yup. Dumb moment of mine. Just like when I tried to kill myself during that car crash because I found out for the first time that I was being cheated on. I'm just full of bad decisions and that needs to change. I'm with the guy that I love with all my heart! and I'm loyal to a fault, but I never want to hurt myself for attention or affection or acknowledgment when I'm with him because I know that that is way too immature. And will it get me anywhere? Nah.

Another immature way of treating somebody is giving them the silent treatment. Hah, ask Cameron Dallas, he's so good at that! And it fucked up with my mental health even more, until I met this guy who I've known for two years now, give or take and he's helping me become a better person who doesn't make foolish mistakes like I used to in the past. Never ever ever give your partner the silent treatment, Elle. It's childish and dumb and gets you nowhere. It's just going to make things worse.

But anyways, back to the topic. I know who I am, sometimes, especially since I'm naturally sober (alcohol tastes like shit but I hear Bloody Mary's, Mimosas and Champagne are all good? But fuck if I know haha) oh and I am occasionally reasonable. Other times, I'm in over my head, and too emotional to even identify who the fuck I even am. I change often, especially when my mental health is fucked up and right now, it's just borderline fucked up but I am trying to get it better. For my sake, for everyone else's sake. I don't want to fuck anyone over and with my poor mental health, I am going to have a demonic mind where I only think of my self-interests and nobody else's and I end up fucking other people over. And I don't want that at all!

Ya know? You see, I didn't even take revenge for what was done to me because there's no reason to. Karma will happen. Like it always happens, to me or I'm always placed in unfortunate circumstances. But the guy I previously mentioned has a good life. Cool. And he wants to share it with the world through his Twitter and YouTube or whatever the fuck he does now. How very extroverted and generous of him.

I'm not like that however. I want to keep all the happy shit to myself. Nobody else gets to see because they might hold resentment for me. They might get jealous that my mental health is finally healthy and no longer fucked up. But I don't know... I never know for sure. Those were all assumptions and things that I have been guilty of doing.

And this is another reason why I isolate myself. Why I deleted all of my social medias except for YouTube, if that's considered a social media. I don't want anyone interacting with me because I am an awkward person who's not socially inclined or even knows how to fucking talk for crying out loud because all I tend to do is talk about random shit nobody even really cares about and drift off into my own world sometimes. Nobody appreciates that or even respects it, so I try to not talk to anyone. There's no reason to anymore. Especially after how many other people either intentionally or unintentionally fucked me over. I'm not about to let that happen again, so I'm keeping myself secluded and with my lovely, respectable boyfriend who has the kindest heart I have ever known, and our majestic cat, Sandwich.

So now, after this long ass complaint of an entry with many errors and grammatical mistakes, I'm going to tell you that I'll be happier than ever. I am with the guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he makes me happy but then I interact with others and that happiness is quickly drained and turns me into a trifling bitch for a while. And oh boy, he does not appreciate that.

Who would? He deserves only kindness and respect and he deserves to live in paradise in this world. Just the two of us, alone, separated from others because they would just drag us down. I don't want people turning me into a curmudgeon for a quick minute, I want to be happy with him and the cat. And I can only do that when I'm alone.

I know this now. I don't know why I've been searching far and wide for friends when really, why would anyone want to be friends with a Negative Nancy like me? Always whining and complaining like a little girl, never really growing up. Yet most of them would think I would be fake as fuck, because all I do is compliment others but I mean it! People need to hear the good shit about them ya know!? And if no one is gonna do it, I'll gladly take that role. It is my duty to spread peace and happiness around and if that means flattery, so be it. As "fake" as it seems. Well, I think I covered a lot this morning, so I'll just be heading out now. Have a good day you, reader.

I'm the type to hold grudges

And I hate that about myself, amongst other things.

I'm also the type to never move on either. Fuck, so many things about myself make me want to choke myself. Make me realize that I shouldn't even be alive. I'm a parasite, yeah, that's what I am. I hold grudges against the people who have fucked me over, now suspecting that they will do it again and again, because they know I'm an easy target. I'm gullible and naive and many people have taken advantage of that. I've seen people like me, people who don't know any better, people who are as impressionable and as easily fooled as me, but would I ever even dare to think about manipulating them?

Hell no. It is not in my nature. I have been controlling, I have been emotionally abusive, I have been manipulative but the difference between the people that choose that type of crooked lifestyle and I is that I was completely ignorant and unaware of what I was doing in the first place.

Sometimes when I think too much, it dampens my spirit, toils my soul and it brings down the people around me. Luckily for me, since I practically dislike people, it's just one person. But it's also unfortunate because that's just my dear boyfriend, and yeah, it fucking sucks for him whenever I let all of my depressing emotions out. Sadness is contagious. Makes him sad too and that's not what I want. And I will never ever ever, for the heart of me, with all the strength within me that I can gather, manipulate him or torture him or play fucking weak ass mind games with him because that is not what the most special, most important person in the world to me deserves. No. I will honor him, I will cherish him.

I cannot break his heart just for my self interests. It's selfish and cruel. And I love him too much to see him break until he's gone to the point of total destruction.

Hobbies cost money

And I don't have a lot of money.

My income is 890 to 900 dollars a month and then, I've got my boyfriend when I'm running on empty at the end of the month. And it sucks, sucks so much. Well not really.

It doesn't really suck. I'm just a peasant, and everybody else is an aristocrat. So you've got food everyday in your fridge. I just have left overs from the Mexican joint we headed to yesterday, and that's it. And next time somebody claims that they're starving, because there is absolutely nothing to eat. Oh boy, you don't realize how lucky you are and how my respect for you has completely diminished as soon as you said that blatant lie.

You are not starving. You probably have three fridges or something. One in the kitchen, another in the backyard for BBQs perhaps, and one in the garage to store your frozen chunks of meat or whatever you'd like to store in there, so no. You're not starving. You probably just don't know how to cook the wide selection of food that is at your disposal.

Anyways, that's besides the point but not really. I was telling you that story because I'm broke and by the last week of the month, my money's already been spent. Each and every dollar of it. And I hate it so much. I want to live a life like many people out there. Always shopping for groceries. Because that is my therapy. Cooking and eating and enjoying the wonderful aroma of a tasty meal!

But, alas, I cannot do that. And no, fuck no, it is not because I'm poor, it's because I don't have groceries. And this makes me want to become a grower so bad and grow my own garden, make my own food. Help me with my mental health. I don't know. It helps. A lot....

Sad thing is, hobbies cost money. And I personally think that cooking is a hobby and that requires groceries and that shit requires funds and funds are what I lack. So yeah... How sad. And the saddest part is, I'm the only one who knows how to solve my egotistical day-to-day issues, and now I don't make sense. Sorry. Farewell.

Stretch markz

So I think I've got new ones.

The old ones are plain white, skin-flesh colored and these ones are skin-flesh purple. And they're new. And they're behind my goddamn calves. Wow. I'm not even fat!!!

Sure, some people have called me fat. Sure, some people have called me skinny. And in the mental hospital, I got accused of having anorexia. Different views on my stupid, ugly, hideous body. That's my view on it. Ya see?

Anyways, I don't get it. I either have the most sensitive skin in the world because I put on cocoa butter every goddamn day, I even tried bio oil and fucking mederma for crying out loud to get rid of my scars and stretch marks, but all to no goddamn avail. Oh and I'm 5'3, and 126 pounds. Used to be 145 so that could be why.... But that weight has gone away in months yet the stretch marks show up. Ah, whatever. I guess I have to embrace it. No matter what. Just like I'm embracing my hairy armpits and hairy legs and hairy everything else.

I am just trying to show the world that your own natural way of exuding yourself should be considered beautiful and radiant. Makes me want to be a man who smells brilliant. It's so easy for them (I know, I sound sexist, so excuse me, I tried hard not to offend) and so difficult for us girls to get through the day without enhancing our looks a bit. But some of us don't need to. Excuse me, I correct myself. We all don't need to follow the guidelines of beauty. It's not like we're going to lose all of our friends and shit because we are all just simply beautiful now and no longer reaching for looks that are breathtaking. That was my issue. Abandonment for looking like a zombie. But now, fuck it. And fuck other peoples rude and unnecessary opinions on your looks.

I'm proud of my stretch marks. I hate them. But fuck it, I was never 150 lbs and I will never reach that weight no matter what. Because if I do, more stretch marks will show up all of a sudden. And I swear to Ra, that I have a ton of them! Just place me in a museum of naked chicks, and you'll see how flawless their skin is compared to mine. Chock full of scars and birth marks. One on my buttcheek and one on my upper back (too much information but fuck it) and then bam! Stretch marks galore!!!!

I could make a list so I will. Got them here and there and everywhere! Oh and can you believe that those lucky bitchez with perfect not sensitive skin actually want stretch marks to fit in? Hah, yeah right! Not gonna happen. You won't fit in, because your body didn't acquire it naturally. And my boyfriend (who never wants to fit in so he did not say that but I did hear it fron a teenaged girl) is never joining the club! Only I can have stretch marks because it's finally something that I can be proud of, even though it's an unpleasant and a bleh sort of sight. Actually never mind, I don't care. He said that everybody has stretch marks, yet he doesn't have any. Siiighh. But here it goes:

&*_Behind my shoulders near my armpits (flabby arms)
&*_Buttock cheeks haha this is where they typically start
&*_Side of the knees, just two stretch marks each (odd)
&*_Behind knees, a whole lot of white markings
&*_Inner and upper thighs and it's like a beast there
&*_Now, since I inspected my nude body, behind calves
&*_And that's it, but there might be more, who knows

A certain type of person that I hate

Hate, hate, hate. It will never end. Because people are ridiculous and aggravating. And it should end, but I am no dictator and it's all up to the ridiculous and aggravating peoples hands. Not mine, never was.

But the hate will persist, if this nuisance never ends.

Okay, now I shall get to the point. I hate being around people who are negative. I know that I am a self-proclaimed hater, sure, but I have every right to be, because of the ridiculous, aggravating atrocities that others perform. However, these types of negatives are negative for no goddamn reason! It makes me want to choke them to near death because the consequences of manslaughter are far too severe for silly old me to handle.  But seriously, do you get what I mean? Sure, sure, sure.

It's totally fine if you're complaining about work, because it's difficult and tiresome, or your demanding, mean boss who should be fired for treating his employees like shit. C'mon man! It's a job, which means a group effort, which means teamwork! And if you are a person who would rather work alone, then do so, and don't bring down your coworkers or fellow employees like that because you're so goddamn negative, mind you. It's just awful. I hate it.

And believe me when I say that others, especially those employees will definitely hate it too. And hate you, if they're that type of negative person.

Now the people around you. When you see someone attractive or good looking, they have the audacity to say they look horrendous or disgusting. Now wait a goddamn minute, y'all. I am all about spreading love and kindness yet I am a negative ass piece of shit too, gotta work on a balance here but that is going to extremes!!! Way too much. Don't judge how a person fucking looks. If you do, you're not only negative, you're also shallow as fuck, and probably dim too. Who knows. Idiots claim to look good when they're just average of course and that they look better than models and shit. Like wait a minute. It's a competition now? It shouldn't have been in the first place.

I just knew a couple people like that so that's why it's really bothering me. All they could think about was how cute they were and shit, and hey, that's great! Exude that confidence! But don't take it to extremes by belittling other peoples looks! It just hurts a lot. Especially when they're not what fits in the worlds standards of beauty.

You know what else I would like to mention? South Korea has the worlds highest rating of cosmetic surgery and you might be wondering why, well, since I'm Asian like those lovely Koreans, it's probably because we don't fit into the worlds standards of beauty. I swear to god. That's why those ladies have so many fixes and rearrangements done to their already perfect faces! And you know what else I've heard? Sorry, I'm making this a little racial and a lot more personal than I intended at first, but whatever...

I heard somebody say that Asians look gross as fuck. That kind of knocked my heart over and had an invisible stampede storm across it, crushing it as it stopped beating, bleeding to death. Yeah, words hurt. And being Asian fucking hurts when people have the nerve to say those things. You might think I'm being sensitive, but you and I are not the same person. I'm just hypersensitive sometimes, so please understand. If you don't understand, then perhaps you're the type of person who is not willing to let other people express their emotions freely and willingly.

I'm torturing myself

First of all, I'm hungry and all that I'm browsing on my internet is the one thing I lack. Food.

Wow. How dare I? I'm also looking for ways to budget out my food or by the end of the month, I'll have nothing to eat. So that's no good. Hmm, food. Oh, do I adore you. Wow. Rotisserie chicken. Wild Alaskan salmon.

Just some of the things I looked up. And now, I want chicken and waffles. Boo! I hate how people put such pretty extra pictures of their food on their instagrams, making my tummy jealous of the deliciousness that invaded their tastebuds and gave them the rides of their lives! Mm. Oh well. It's just food.

And one day, a young child will look up to me and ask, "you're like middle aged now. Don't they teach you how to cook?"

"Who?"

"Your parents or something. Like I don't know. Yourself?"

"Nah. My parents didn't even teach me how to be responsible for myself, and they didn't even talk about the birds or the bees. So nah. They just never expected me to burn down the building, because teaching was not their forte, so I stay away from the stovetop at all costs. Or else, a fire will break loose!"

I'm sad and I don't know why

Emotions aren't made of steel. They're made of fuck if I know.. But I don't get myself... I really don't. I fucking hate myself because I am such a mystery to me.

How do I function? Sure, I have been catatonic in the past. Couldn't even shower, couldn't even eat, could barely even breathe, but now I don't get anything.

Life is meaningless. I wish it would all just end. Because I am just dragging my loved ones across with me, trying to survive on such little amount of money. I just..... I just... I just don't know anymore. I never knew to begin with.

I just wish I was good enough. Mature enough. Strong enough. Smart enough. But instead, all I do is give up. And I hate it all. I hate everything today. I hate the pattern that I'm seeing too. Wow... Someone kill me.

I'm too weak to do it myself. But don't make it violent, just make it peaceful and quick. That would be ideal.

Society's rules on beauty sucks

And I'll tell you why.

They expect women to wear makeup or they'll look like, hmm well I've been told that I looked like a zombie because makeup is not my forte, so I'm nearly always bare faced. And some people are just too forward.

Are zombies cute? To me, sometimes, but most of the time they look like leprechauns or goblins, so no. And do they fit into society's beauty standards? Oh, I highly doubt it, so makeup is a necessity for a women living under the guidelines of these "strict" rules, in order to enhance our beauty. But to enhance it is kind of fraudulent in a sense.

Adding makeup, brushing angles on your face with powder, that's making your face artificial. And artificial beauty never really is on the same level as authentic beauty. Beauty that can't be touched, or revamped, or intensified. But unfortunately, many people, (myself included) have deformities. I have a smaller eye due to the results of brain surgery haha. Now all I can do is laugh at it, and if you cringe and think "wow really!? I hope your beauty comes back." first of all. I just sighed an embarrassing sigh, because you are very shallow.

And sometimes, even zombies or goblins such as me can be cute no matter what anyone says because I say so and I look in the mirror for ten seconds and then I'm tired of it because of my stupid silly eyes. Silly eyes that I will never ever get surgery on to fix because surgery is fake. And fakeness is not what my lifestyle is about. 

I don't want to be a Kylie Jenner beauty. Yeah, the girl is beyond breathtaking, sure, but all she does is take pictures everyday of her sexy, skimpy outfits, and it's on occasion if I ever take a picture of myself everyday. Usually, I photograph cats. Not take selfies or whatever the modern word is nowadays. Kind of dislike that term but oh well. Gotta catch up with the rest of the millennials around here. But nah, I just want to be a goddamn boy for chrissakes. You know where I'm getting at?

With the standards of beauty that society hands them, all they have to do is wake up, shower, put some goddamn deodorant on and smell fresh and clean, and they already look electrifying. I think that's unfair. Sure, makes me sound like a sexist because I kind of am! And I have every right to be! I grew up in a home where the males were first, where they were more privileged. Kind of like that badass Sun lady from that tv show Sense8, living out in Seoul, South Korea whose younger brother was spoilt rotten while she was treated like shit all because she had a vagina. So I have every right to be a sexist, but I am only this way for how I used to be treated. Now, I'm away from all that, so hopefully this sexism will disappear for a while. And it will come back with full force when someone attacks me with a sexist, snide remark.

Anyways, wow... Didn't expect this entry to be so long. But before you get carried away, especially with how random it is that I talk, and how all over the place I can get. Unorganized, that's how I convey shit, and most of the time, people misinterpret it, but the thing is this; I want to be beautiful in my own way. Keeping my beautiful yet fucked up, ugly eyes, and keeping my beautiful, natural hair on my legs. My bikini area (too much information, but fuck it, it's my blog after all hahah so...) and my silly armpits. I just think that beauty that's natural is always going to surpass beauty that's reached for through using expensive concealers and foundation. And blushes and contours. And fake eyelashes and bold eyeshadows.

You see, I'm more of a fan of the natural makeup look. If it's too enhance your natural features and you love makeup, then so be it, do your thing. You're gonna end up looking better than I ever did just looking like plain old me... A freaking zombie. (Sorry, sometimes, when words hurt, I laugh a little to make the pain go away, so while I typed down the words freaking zombie, I suppressed my laughter. Don't want people thinking I have no fucking feelings or anything and I take insults such as that as a fucking joke to laugh at. No siree. It just hurts. Ya see?)

So here's a brief conclusion to this rather long statement. I'm a lady who has been called ugly before, every fucking day by my stupid brother. (Bullies suck. They need to shut the fuck up, honestly!) but I am that lady and I think that too much makeup on your face, a weave, a wig even (unless it was necessary and you're balding like me, and yet even I don't wear a wig. I just let everyone know that I've got bald spots from my much needed brain surgery) and all of that jazz is going to contribute to a fake beauty, an artificial beauty. Not a natural one. But I must confess, I wasn't born naturally beautiful, so I will enhance my features too. Gotta look good for myself in the reflection and for my partner too. Don't want him knowing that he's dating a hobo. Because that's basically my staple look. Hobo chic. Hahah. Whatever man. This post was critical. My sister is one of those people who look so much better without all that makeup but hell, she fancies makeup, gets that shit for her birthday, and who am I to tell her how to live her life? I am not her master, I am not a higher deity or anything that will guide her through her life until she seeks and finds true happiness, especially without all that unnecessary enhancement added to her. Nah, that's not my role, but I will tell you that this is my take on society's standards of beauty. And how real beauty, through my eyes, is not artificial.

.... Oh and your character too. If you're a Kylie Jenner lookalike, and you've got a nasty attitude, you're ugly as hell, even though you've got such a pretty face.

Oh, why I hate the world sometimes!

So, I get irritated a lot. And I think that it's about time I fucking tell people that the way that they function is not the typical way they assume everybody functions.

Because it sure as hell ain't the way that I function. Now I'm just saying... Because before, in the past now see, I would just keep my anger hidden, hiding within me, while people fucking bossed me around and patronized me, acting like I was a little baby. And no, like fuck no.

You can only do that if you're older than me, in which case I must respect you because you have seen more days than I have therefore you have to be wiser. Otherwise...

It is not okay. It is a form of ridicule. How scornful people can get when others (such as me for instance) don't follow their goddamn methods of, of... Fuck. It's ineffable and I'm just too busy letting out all of my anger and my contempt for those types of people.

Those types of people, I have zero respect for. Absolutely nada, and ya know why? They are too egotistic and pompous to be around. And you know why else? Because it's time for me to grow the fuck up and not let anyone bring me down. Sure, I've been weak. Sure, I've been suicidal for fucking days on end, but there's got to be a purpose for this life. Or maybe it's just a leisurely activity until it's game over and I'm a goner, but that's just the way it goes. I'm not scared of death, nah not that.

What I am scared of is pain. Cruel, chronic, catastrophic pain that never seems to go away until someone is merciful enough to doctor you or end it all with a mercy kill. I fucking despise pain and when I see what seems to be a poor innocent soul, or hell, even a suspect dying of losing so much blood, it pains me too. I'm not saying I'm a good person, I'm just saying, there's enough brutality in the world as it is. I don't want to see it anymore. It kills me inside. And you know what else kills me too? 

The thought that just because somebody committed suicide, nobody has the decency or the compassion to actually remember that person while they no longer exist? It was like they lived their lives in vain. And that's all they're ever gonna be known for. Not something remarkable like what Einstein did or Tesla for that matter. Those people are worth something. It's a shame that a persons worth diminishes into nothing when they no longer exist. Is it because once we're gone, we're gone for good? For all eternity? Hmm, well maybe.

Maybe we're all just ordinary.

I've always wanted to be a food blogger!

But! My boyfriend hates that I adore food. And I don't! I mean, of course I do. I need it to stay alive. But I need you too, boo. (Okay, I tried to rhyme. Failure. He's what I adore! Not food. If it were a competition, I would sacrifice food and choose my man.)

Anyways yeah. Can't right now. But I'm determined and hellbent on becoming a gourmet chef. Because right now, I'm sloppy, I'm a wreck, and I'm messy as fuck in the kitchen. And my food doesn't turn out looking and smelling tasty. It looks like shit, and excuse my language. Yikes. This filthy mouth of mine needs to disappear especially when I'm talking seriously, and food and cooking is talking seriously to me. Entrées or entreés, fuck if I know how to spell it correctly. I just want to make food that will unite all of us grumpy folks and make us happy for the meantime. That's what I love about food.

It can either pick up my diminishing mood in a jiffy or make me go sugar-crazy. But it will also make me fat because I don't have a high metabolism like my lovely partner over here. But it's food!!!! What's not to love!!?

Life, ah life

Life is complicated...

Mostly because that's how I see it as and in turn, that's how it ends up being. Especially because I lack the strength to overcome such difficult trials and complicated struggles. But that's all deeply-rooted in the mind. Now that may sound a little too complex or it could just go over your head, but what I mean is simple.

My brain won't allow me to gain the strength I need to stand up to all of these adversities. Say for instance, a person pissed me off. Now usually, speaking on behalf of myself here, I would just hold a grudge because my cruel heart says so for a while. Hold resentment for a while and become passive aggressive and then, I end up hurting my closest loved ones until he can't take it no more. (Sorry honey! but you ought to know I love you!!) I take it out on my boyfriend because that's whom I live with. I take it out on people and I shouldn't and it hurts. It's making them suffer and I know it is all my fault! So don't do that guys. Don't be like me. Learn from my mistakes. Don't let your hatred for another person get to you, to the point where you must let it out on others and use them as punching bags. It's no good and very unwise. Trust me on that.

Don't ever ever rinse your goddamn chicken y'all

Just thought I'd give a hint out to you folks, my audience. Rather, myself. I have a tendency to forget all the good shit, even more so, following my brain surgery.

All the bad shit however. That stays. So if it ever crosses your mind to hurt a poor, sensitive soul like me for no goddamn reason or because it somehow is supposedly "entertainment" to you, then you stranger, need to find a new set of hobbies. Because bringing people down, bringing anyone down is stress-inducing to the victim and it's just a horrible and unhealthy activity to participate in.

And that's another reason why I stay away from people. I am dramatic. That's for sure, so why stay around a person like me? All I would do is give you tons and tons of bullshit and drama that's only intended for soap opera theaters. Now that is how dramatic I can be. I have seen my dramatic antics turn what would have been good events to ominous ones in minutes. And the thing is, I want peace and balance for all, so I'm risking my social activity and I'm risking what's left of my sanity for you.

Besides, being around people for too long will make me lose my mind. Ahem. Sanity. That's all for the other folks out there. My sanity will be diminished. So why, oh why were people trying so hard to get me out of my house to interact with others? Yeah, I don't know man. I can be a lunatic in public, and nobody wants to be seen with a lunatic. And I'm not trying to sound philosophical or anything, but it is the truth of the matter when I say that I am but a speck of dust on this planet Earth, and all that I'm trying to do is seek happiness and fortune, and if that means avoiding interacting with others, then so be it.

Even if that means that I'll go insane for the time being. By the way, when I say things like that, you would think I regret it but I honestly don't. I'm fucking happy living my life like this. Away from the cluster-fuck of people, trying to dumb me down, as if I don't already accomplish that myself. I want to be alone, rely on myself, and the ones closest to me, if they're cool with it, and I just want to be happy without knowing about the rest of the world.

Makes me hate that technology makes me know how a lot of people look like and how they behave online due to Google, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, hell even YouTube for crying out loud. Makes me want to get into a time machine, and fall into a time period where no one really knew each other. More mysterious to me. I think that entering my personal data on the internet has ruined my life in a way. But now, I've deleted plenty of my social medias. I, personally, don't want to be social.

I've tried, in the past, but, uh, people and me? We rarely interact well. I get angry. I get aggravated yet you really can't tell unless you hit a button that's not meant to be touched and then I'm the devil in human-form. I will screech at you like a banshee, with all my might and then after that, go home and cry until I drown in my tears.

There ya go. That's who I am. My flaws. I am a devilish, yet sad blackened soul, who wants the blackness to vanish and the demonic side of me to disappear. I never liked being an emotionally abusive bitch, but I will be more than a bitch, I will hurt you so much with simple little words that are coming out of my mouth through cruelty and scorn, not truth at all. So if I offend you, just know that I'm lying. Know that I'm angry and I didn't mean a word I said. I just wanted to hurt you more than you hurt me, by straight up lying through my teeth.

Stories have been told

Again and again, of peoples torments and tribulations.

We all suffer in life. We all go through complications. And you know what else I've realized, through my brief existence in life? We are all different. We all see things differently. Each and every one of us has their own viewpoints on certain things. We've got this thing called perspective. So next time someone tells you what to do, either kill them with kindness and just ignore their troublesome babble or be fierce and tell them to go fuck themselves. I prefer going with the latter, but it depends.

So I was thinking

That if I died, that if the accident succeeded in taking away my life, so many people, so many would be relieved.

But then another side of me is telling myself that most people would end up depressed and distraught. Like life was being sucked out of them.

So even though life is a struggle and many hardships come my way every so often, I'm still breathing, looking, seeking, searching for a meaning in life.

Because my only exit out of this existential hell is death.

Oh people, so, cooking is fun

But very, very hard. Especially if you get easily distracted like me! Uh oh! Carbon monoxide! Something's smoking up in the kitchen, Elle. Chyup... Gotta deal with the fact that right now, at this very moment, in the month of May, 2017, I have tried to cook, but the shit that came out was still shit or not even cooked because hey, I admit, I am the crappiest of cooks. Ever. Anyways, I don't know who I am. I don't think I'll ever find out, oh dear me. But the thing is people, I'll keep searching. And I'm going to search doing the things that I love.

If you don't know me, and I am an open book after all, you'd probably not be aware of my undying need for the satisfaction that food provides for me. Basically, all I can say is food comes first. After cats. Cats are my god. They are a figment of my mind's delusion of a deity.

Anyways, yeah... Food. Ah, cooking. Ah, me and cooking? We don't get along well. First of all, I'm a clumsy fool in the kitchen, for example, say I was chopping up a celery stick for a salad. Bam, suddenly out of nowhere, the knife that I was guiding so delicately with my hands manages to chop off my finger!

Well, not chop off, but cuts it, slices it, you get the picture. I was just exaggerating because it sounds better if it were that gory. Anyways, this is me and my interests combined. Shouldn't that give you a hint or a clue into who I truly am? I like food, I like cats, I like water too. How destructive yet calm and serene it could be. Oh how it reminds me of calm drizzles that hit the pavement and the wilderness or tsunamis out there in the deep ocean.

Anyways... I know, I know, I know. Must be hard trying to learn how to cook, but shit!!! I fucking adore food, and usually, I'm a little picky and only I can fix my meals to suit my preferrable needs. Therefore, one day I'll be a cook. It's just I'm a little slow, mind you, in learning how to fix up a meal with a spatula. And if you, in your right mind, have the decency to treat me as your equal and your colleague at the very least, don't make this a competition. Don't think, "oh, she's slow. She'll only be a burden on your team," if we're doing group activities. It hurts and it is shameful. I'm sorry that I wasn't born with your quick wit or fast reflexes. Hell, I know I'm a clutz and that you're elegant and graceful, now don't do the competition anymore, because I unfortunately just did it. There you go. You're better and I am thick in the skull. I hope that makes you happy, which also makes you a sadist in a sense. Happy because somebody like me is lower and inferior to you, oh superior person. Sometimes, I don't get you.

Sometimes, when I get into a fight, I just agree with them, until they realize oh, it's over, and yeah it is over. I agree with your statement. You're smart, I'm a fool. The end. End of discussion, I take it. Yet sometimes, people can't stop egging me on and provoking me. Makes me want to seek out solitude. Makes me want to die sometimes to end all this bullshit interaction with the rest of the population. Makes me want to crawl into a corner and just cry. Not die... That would sound cliché, because I think I might've heard it before.

Three things I adore are: food, cats, weed, films, Alfred Hitchcock, superheroes, weed, video games, walking, animals, weed, Mexican food, Japanese food, sushi, pizookies, weed, stretching, swimming, hairstyles, weed, oh and fashion, and food.

Wow... That sounded annoying. But no matter what people say. If they don't believe in me, that's okay. I don't even know why I'm mentioning it. I just need to cook. To take care of my lovely boyfriend, and to take care of anyone else who's got a grumbling tummy, aching for food. And it's got to be good. I need to be a good cook. Not someone who I am now. A crappy, shit cook.

Gusto kong pumunta sa Palawan

Ah, hindi ko alam ... pero gusto ko na malaman ang espanyol wika dahil ito ay isang magandang paraan upang makipag-usap.

I may be a Filipino fob but I was born and raised as a toddler in the Philippines, and I can still speak and understand that shit... And I never ever ever want to forget something that I learned on the islands more than a decade ago.

Anyways, here's the thing guys. People always claim that I myself, don't know how to talk. Well, one, talking is a mutual job. It requires two people. One who listens and one who expresses their laments while the other person looks at them in concern, while sympathizing with them all at the same time. Well, hell, that's just how I talk. Or prefer to talk, because some conversations can be tossed in the gutter for all I care.

Sure, I'm shallow enough to talk about the media sometimes, even mention a celebrity or two, but I refuse, I damn right refuse to let those types of conversations dictate the type of person I am. I don't want people to look at me and tell others, "Oh, don't talk to her, she'll just spread gossip and rumors around and all she talks about is how hot and attractive peoples features are, especially celebrities. Oh, and not to mention, her admiration for fashion and her adoration for food! It's just allll she talks about. It's like geez, first her brain got injured to the point where she doesn't remember it at all and she got into a coma as a result and then bam! Brain dead for a while, yikes! and now she can't even muster up the intel for knowledgeable conversation. She can only speak at a shallow, superficial wavelength and I got tired of it! You will too! Promise!"

I don't want to spend my conversations on mere gossip and the corrupt spreading of rumors because rumors tend to be untrue and fabricated through the tongues of many silver-tongued speakers.

Anyways... I've got a big family. Some of them are poor and they live together in a decent sized home, so it's not like they're living in poverty. They are just trying to get by. Cause I've got two of my uncles living with my grandmother and I hear tell (just a rumor by the way, no truth in the matter yet) that my aunt will be moving into their already crowded house. And I say crowded because, my grandma has a boyfriend and my uncles have children. Six in total to be frank.

Room one is for them, and then one uncle sleeps in another room with his son, and his three daughters all sleep in another room. Altogether, that's three rooms. This house is big, apparently, according to how many bedrooms there are. Another uncle sleeps in another room with his two daughters. As for my aunt? She's not there yet, and if she was, she'd probably sleep on the sofa because there's only 4 bedrooms available.

Anyways, let's make this brief. I just want out of this shithole and I need to go on a vacation back to where I hail from. The Philippines, in the sweet old island of Palawan.

If you dont take me seriously, then Ill do the same

My brain? Well... It's got its fair share of being, hmm, I don't know, wobbled around in my skull, and you know what the health experts say, wobbling will cause damage to the brain. Btw, this is an entry on brain damage and how it affects my life. Oh boy, I can confirm that it certainly does affect my life.

Gotta exercise the brain in order to keep it functioning, and because it was damaged, I kind of blacked out for a month due to the strikes and the blows to my delicate head. Black outs mean only one thing, malfunctioning. And a malfunctioning brain is definitely not good at all! You want your brain to be healthy and full of the nutrients and vitamins it needs, so stock up on those Omega-3 fatty acids, because that's the only healthy fat you shouldn't cut back on, if you're pursuing a healthy diet. Oh, and don't ever forget; quit torturing your poor brain! It's delicate, it's fragile. Think of it as porcelain, that easily breaks into smithereens all from a simple fall to the ground, and we must not allow that to happen! So take care of your brain my friend or dear stranger, because they are an organ after all, and organs tend to be soft and softness tends to be weak and easily broken, and that is very unfortunate. So remember! You've got a soft, delicate, mushy, pink perhaps, sensitive brain that should be guarded for life because it's so susceptible to becoming broken. Use that brain!

Anyways, I was recovering in the hospital for two months, and, I hardly understood shit. I will admit, as much as it hurts to insult myself, but at the beginning of my recovery, I was a vegetable, if being a vegetable means not understanding, then so be it. I was one, but now I do understand. Just a little but hey, I am human after all. Telling somebody "they don't get it" or "they can't understand because of their damaged brain," that shit is an insult, if you had forgotten. And you're headed straight at the top of my murder list because I am sensitive. And sensitive people like me for instance, want to butcher people up for fucking making me feel inferior and a goddamn idiot who doesn't deserve to waste time on earth. Like thanks, prick. I'll fight fire with fire if I have to.

I mean, it has happened plenty of times before, from my so-called friends even, and guess what? I wanted to die, I wanted to feel something because all I could feel was worthless at the time, ya know? Because I was aware that I couldn't do shit because I still didn't have the ability to comprehend things yet. I felt like a newborn child, breathing for the first time and being spoken to, while I try to understand what others are trying to say. It took time but after all these years, (yeah, it took fucking years, because some people are slow and if you have the audacity to think you're superior to me, you're likely telling the truth because I am not the sharpest tool in the shed, and I fucking know for a fact that I am ignorant, but we don't have to compete because we all know you, smart one, will win.) It's not like you've been shaken around where your brain went dead for a while. But whatever, I think I can manage to make sense.

If that didn't make sense, well what is the point in living then? All that I've ever wanted in life was to write. It's just so easy to me, and people do claim that it's hard but I fucking love it! And I cuss a lot too, sorry about that, just trying to prove a point. And that point is that I love putting whatever this mind can think of down into the written word. If I can even find the correct words. Sometimes, most thoughts stay in my head and aren't exposed because I don't know how to explain it, so yeah.

If I don't make sense, ah, fuck it, let's just go to extremes and you can kill me now because a retard such as I should not be taking up so much space to live and breathe on this godforsaken planet.

Besides, people who treat me like I'm mentally challenged and can't figure out right from wrong or even when they have the nerve and the fucking balls (which I honestly do not mind ripping the fuck out) to call me dumb simply because of my brain injury need to not exist within my premises. Because I for one, will not fucking respect you. How dare you not treat me equally for once? I still got a mother fucking brain man, it still fucking works, and you have a brain too. And we are both human, so treat me like one, or like I said before, I am definitely gonna put you on my murder list.

This isn't me

Oh but I wish it was.

I wish I was honest. But not to a fault. I'd be wise enough to know when to shut up when it deems necessary.

I just wish I could cry whenever I feel upset or frustrated, but the tears don't come and so the tension stays, and what a goddamn shame that is.

I wish I wasn't so goddamn shallow. And it's quite funny actually, because I look like a deformed fucking mutant yet I have the audacity to whine and complain about the looks of other people, like it even matters to me!? Somebody should kill me, because I can't take how I am.

I wish I wasn't so fucking critical. But we're all human right? We all do it. But that's just me pointing fingers at the whole world, and its actions along with mine. Nobody should be fucking critical. For fucks sake man. I don't know why I tried to justify it through me blaming the world, but it's still immoral and wrong. Just don't judge.

If a person doesn't want to show their face online and in turn they remain anonymous, let them! Don't bash them and say they're doing it to "look cool" or they're "insecure" and if they are doing it for those things, great! Like who fucking gives a shit!? Just let them be free to do whatever the fuck they please and don't judge too harsh. Or just don't judge at all man. Just don't. It's cruel. Cruelty is coming out of your mouth every time you criticize.

I wish words didn't get to me. But they do. Oh, how they do.

Im a critical human being

That's one of my flaws.

Have you ever looked at a person, on first impression, thought; 'wow, they talk so fast, it's almost impossible to comprehend them! And they seem really, really annoying through how they dress and how their mannerisms are.'

And the things that people say, what they do, what they assume, it's made me seek out solitude and enjoy it.

Why become so defensive?

When a person does something or says something completely absurd and out of the blue, most reactions are typically against what they believe in and people are kind of, hmm, how do I put this, angry?

Angry at a person who is just stating what they believe to be true. It's okay to not believe in something as absurd, or as obnoxious or even straight up ridiculous and unbelievable as it seems but just because you might think that what they're saying makes them cruel, soulless, or just plain rude, wouldn't everybody else justify that through your defense mechanisms, you seem the same way too?

Here is a perfect example of exactly what I mean. One time, back in the Twitter days, and mind you, I had a Twitter too in order to keep myself up to date with the media news and whatnot. I posted an unbelievable saying claiming that, well one, I must be a psycho because I've been to a few mental hosptials.

That's not the case however. I am trying, trying to be completely sane and there are times when I have psychotic episodes, but most of my "followers" believed that shit. They believed I was crazy. Hahahah. It was quite funny, actually because some of them even posted shit like, "Why would you want to get with her!? She's a psycho!" yup. Ah, good times, good times. Except they were also stressful times. Times I don't want back into my life. Wellp, that's all for now folks. See ya!

My brain is fucked up

And it's messing with everything in my life. Turning friendly relationships I used to have into sour, or non-existent relationships.

People are turning back into strangers because of me. I hate the world and I hate how right and truthful it can get most of the time. My brain is fucked up so thanks accident which I don't even recall taking place 5 years ago at that railroad track I used to live by.

And now I don't remember shit, well, I used to not remember shit, but now it's gotten worse. It's an every day cycle. I fucking hate it. Want to die because of it.

It ruins peoples lives. I ruin peoples lives and I don't want to anymore. It just makes me feel very, quite evil.

Can't sleep so 7 Days to Die it is

Ah. Distractions.

I love them. In the form of delectable meals to tasty simulations where I must survive during a zombie apocalypse. Don't ask me why I used tasty... Can't think of another word. Anyways... I'm happy right now.

When I'm distracted, I become happy. It's cool. I just died in the game though. Ah. Restart. That's the joy of video games. But you can't restart in reality. No resuscitations, no revivals, nope none of that. You're just dead.

Plain as day. But I'm happy and hey stranger. You should be too. I love when people who have witnessed something as tragic as death can still smile no matter what. Those types of people lead tragic lives sure, but they don't let it get them down, because they're smiling nonetheless. It shows strength, it shows courage.

We need that in our world. Spread that joy around.

No motivation

Ever go through a day, dying to let it end?

Dying for people to go away, stop putting pressure on you, stop expecting the world out of you, just stop altogether? Ever want to go into a coma for a while? Hibernate? Because so far, nothing goes my way.

And hell, it's not like I expect it too. In this world, through these trying times, not much will ever go my way, so how can I expect shit to happen exactly as I imagined it to happen? Nothing ever really does, and I'm used to it.

The world is a cruel place, especially to people who have no self-awareness and no self-reflection. Just take the time that you have out of everyday and think to yourself, look in a mirror, and state your flaws. What could be the reason you have no willingness to do a goddamned thing when you wake up to a brand new day?

No encouragement is one of them. No cheerful gestures, no kind words of support. Nothing... And that has drained me of my life and of my energy of living everyday.

Hmm, I am so dramatic... But downplay what I said earlier and then you'll get it. I was surrounded by toxic people. People who didn't believe in me. Told me I couldn't even fucking drive because of an accident that happened 5 years ago. Well, that just depleted me of all my energy to actually learn how to drive. Never took a drivers education class and tada, got into an accident that lasted 3 months in the hospital. Two days for my brain surgery because I'm kinda tiny and the air bags must not have covered my head and the windshield probably struck at my frontal lobe, mind you. So now, I'm retarded, as many people assume due to a fucking brain injury. The rest of the time, I was asleep for over a month, and then, I had to recuperate in the hospital. Had to learn how to walk again, while I got injected every fucking day. Hahah, injections are fun once you get the hang of them. I did. They don't hurt, they just poke, a lot. Well, okay.

That's it... I don't think I'll ever get over my accident. It was the biggest thing to happen in my life, other than meeting my partner in 7 days to die crime. Yeah. I guess I'm just a person who dwells on the past too often, and it drains me of everything, so it's something that's got to change about me. Otherwise, I'm hellbent for misery.

What's it like to have friends

I don't know anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I have had the opportunity of having friends. But most of them were unethical, a shame to be around, overly-sexual, or too fucking mean and it influenced me. Boy did it influence me.

And I became, an, I don't know, a bitch, because of it. I am trying so hard to be non-judgmental. I'm trying so hard to see only the good in people, but the way that I've been treated and the way that people have spoken to me with such ill remarks and foul words, I don't know if I can. If I can even see the good in anybody anymore.

I know this is going to sound bad and coming from a filthy tongue like mine, it might sound worse, but everyone has their flaws. Everyone makes mistakes, but those mistakes shouldn't hurt other people and if it does... It just makes you look like a goddamn cruelhearted, self-satisfying bastard. I know too many of those.

Way too many. It's about time we start spreading happiness and joy. It's about time we start spreading smiles instead of frowns or expressionless faces. It's about time we start spreading compassion and harmony.

Isn't that what you're looking for? Because it's going to make me spectacularly happy, of course! Peace will surround us, if we just try to be happy. Even if it's just pretend for a while, eventually that pretense will become habit, and that habit will spread throughout the globe. People will be happy, and that makes me happy.

It's simple really yet it is kind of dull, but a smile wouldn't hurt. In fact, it will help. It will motivate others to smile, even if they're having a bad day. Unless of course they're pessimistic and frowning is their talent, then never mind, but for the optimists out there, even if you got scolded for not taking out the trash or doing the dishes and it upset you because your mom slapped you across the face hard as punishment, you should smile when someone else initiates a smile. But then again, I don't want to command you of anything or tell you what to do. Your choice, your life. Do whatever makes you happy. My only command is that through your pursuit of happiness, make sure that nobody, not one soul is harmed in the process. That's it.

Goodbye now and have a good day. You deserve it.

No good will come from me

Except constant bits of complaints and tantrums of misery.

But I must remember, that misery is a tale that shouldn't be told. It shouldn't be shared. It shouldn't be given for someone to hold. It should be tossed aside and forgotten, just like the foul memories that come with it. And the past that haunts its victims. Misery captures every soul.

Otherwise how could we be human? In life, pain and sadness is expected. Tears and tribulation. It would be a lie coming from my mouth if I were to claim that out of the 7 billion people that roam this earth right now, that not one of them feels. Even if you're a psychopath, like  Charles Manson, I'm pretty sure you feel. Even if it's just for a millisecond.

We all feel. We all feel trapped. We have, but once or twice, felt doomed. We have felt vulnerable, and we have misery to thank for that. Because without misery and pain, how else could we feel contentment and pleasure?

Suffice it to say, we have to feel the opposite, in order to feel at all. We have to go through difficulties and sadness in order to be truly happy. But happiness is an easy emotion. Just don't feel any negative thing, hell, don't even know a thing, and then suddenly, out of the blue, you're happy. They do say that ignorance is bliss. But that's not always the case... I believe.

But enough about my thoughts, because they shouldn't influence the impressionable. And besides, there's a reason my thoughts don't make sense. I'm irrational most of the time, so there is no use in arguing with me. Ration over heart and I lean towards the heart. I tend to rely on my feelings and my emotions rather than my thoughts. That's just a glimpse into how irrational I can be.

It's best to never start a verbal conflict with me, because it will lead nowhere but me drowning in my tears. Anyways, that's the point of this entry. Just to change the way I look at things, and my miserable outlook on life. It's high time I changed that. Instead of misery, I should be spreading smiles and happiness and joy. Things that are opposite of what gets me down most of the time. And you should too.

But then again, I'm no guru. And I have no authority over you. Your life, your choices. Just make sure they make you happy and the rest of the people you're involved with.

Judgmental nonsense

People will look at me and people will judge.

But they don't know that judging me is hurting my heart. It's making me feel weak, it's draining me of my life. It's giving me aches and pain, and nobody deserves pain.

No matter how cruel and brutal they can be. Sure, at times, impulsively, they deserve that pain, but deserve is a strong word. And so impulsive. Especially if they just killed your mother while you witnessed it. You must fight and take vengeance upon your mother with brute force. Or any kind of violence with the vitality that you have. But then again, what if the killer accidentally murdered your mother? Do they deserve your unkind gesture towards them, for your need to show your undying love for your mother? You'd kill for your mother sure, but what is it good for? Just forgive and forget. Karma will bite them in the ass instead, and you, my friend, don't need to be their karma. It was a mistake... And that's what's happening now. Karma is biting me in the ass.

It already bit me in the ass when I got into a car accident that nearly took my life, rearranged my face and made me look somewhat deformed. Yup, that's karma talking for ya. And now it's biting me in the ass again.

Because of one simple, petty thing. Judgments.

I fucking hate judgments. I barely judge and when I do, I tend to lean towards the positive judgments. I think trees are pretty, flowers too, rocks even. I think Steve Buscemi is somehow attractive, because honestly, who cares what a person looks like? If it's beauty you're after, you must be quite shallow. And no, no, no, don't call me shallow.

You know that hurts, but I just called you shallow so whatever. Call me whatever you please. I've just been raised by shallow people who talk only of shallow, petty things that it's influenced me in a way. They told me I was ugly and would never get a man. Well, who's with a person now that time has passed and that you're all alone, sulking and probably still talking shit about people because you're shallow as fuck. God, I'm so mean.

Somebody should shoot me dead as punishment, but seriously. You can't say anything like that without the person remembering it for life. Even a person with amnesia or TBI as I self-proclaim to have remembers that shit.

People say that I judge and I do. I do judge.
I'm so sorry, I'm only human. Don't we all judge?
But I have never called another female or male ugly unless I knew of how much of a disturbance they are.
Only disturbances and unsightly disarrangments are considered ugly to me. And if they're human, so be it.
And that's why I judge. And that's why I'm evil. And that's why I suck. And that's why somebody should take my life because I haven't the courage to do so myself.