Astrology is fake and bullshit

Through my eyes. Of course.

And you know what really ticks me the fuck off? When people don't talk to me or anything of that matter because they asked for my birthdate and decided, "Oh, she's a Leo? Wow! Isn't that the biggest, fattest attention whore around!? Well, that's what astrology says, so I'm going to let astrology guide my gullible mind and let it control my life! Including excluding this Leo lady out of my life! I don't need her drama!"

Actually, I'm not really a Leo. I'm a Cancer, or that is my most prominent sign in my natal chart. Oh and my partner? He's not a Libra, he's a Sagittarius, because that is the most prominent in his natal chart. Pretty neat eh?

And I hate how many times strangers have come up to me asking me my sign and shit, while I project myself incorrectly and since I'm so gosh darned bubbly, I have to be a Leo! Hah. One time, a dude thought I was a Scorpio. And I have seen some people inking themselves with scorpions for, tada, a representation of their zodiac sign, the Scorpio or even a Dragon, if we're talking about Chinese astrology here. I'm a rooster however. And roosters on your flesh, that stays there permanently?

Um... That would look like a catastrophe. A fucking chicken? As well as a Lion? Hahahahahaha. Um... I'm not even going to go with the symbols either. I mean, take a look for yourself and see, and make your judgements please. So, the symbols, you know for each sign? They're like Egyptian scribbles and those are pretty and all but personally, I believe that that shit on my flesh would look weird as fuck! Who even created that? Who even created astrology? How do we even know it works? Which sign is the most curious sign? Maybe Aquarius, I don't know, but I'll tell you one thing, people who blindly put their faith into peeking into the future through astrology is kind of wasting a lot of their time. We don't need to read shit about it, we can make the future what it needs to be.

And so far, ever since I read about Leos and their traits and abilities, I fucking hate the sign with all my might. And I'm trying so hard to not be like it. First of all, confidence? Hah, confidence... That eludes me greatly. I am a pushover, I am a victim, just like you are. And I'll tell you why: I lack courage. I am a coward and that's why my self-esteem has decreased into nothingness.

Does that sound like a goddamn Leo to you? Oh and I am bossy, I'll give it that but most of the time, I don't want to fight... (Probably because my ascendant is in Libra and we want to avoid fights as much as possible right?) I don't want to fight, so I keep to myself and keep my mouth shut hoping that people will go away because they piss me off, and I just want to boss them around because what they're doing is so off-putting but I want to be polite about it too. But I know there's no way of going about that. So yeah...

Now I'm allllll alone, which is lonely as fuck, so I've got the best company in the world. My lovely cat Sammwich and my lovely human MattChew. They know how to keep me sane and not lose control because of humans and their unruly antics and behaviors and shit... Ugh. Hate humans, do you get me? Does astrology get that?

Why doesn't astrology teach us about who is introverted and extroverted and who is in between? Like me perhaps? An ambivert? When I socialize too much, I go home, lay down on the mattress, exhausted from talking mind you! and rest. I'm not an air sign, so we fire signs don't partake in intellectual connection as much as they do (air signs are the smartest, says astrology, and since they're biased and fucking adore the scorpio sign too, they said that it is the most perceptive, as well as the sexiest and the most powerful. See why I hate astrology? Hah, funny.) But you see, I'm a fire sign and I'm the laziest fire sign in the world.

Now I know little of astrology, but aren't the signs of fire supposed to be active and on the go? Shitttt.... I would love that. But it's for my mental health and for general well-being, not because I'm a goddamn roaring Leo from the fiery abyss of a figurative volcano. I don't know man.

It's just, if you trust astrology and all the shitty parts of it and you're honestly as gullible and as naive as I used to be and would take part in befriending folks because of their signs???? I won't ever, ever take you seriously.

I'm sorry. You'd have to be ditzy because of that, and I'm the one over here who recovered from severe traumatic brain injury that left me in a coma for over a month, so...

Traveling is my ultimate goal

I'm not like the rest.

Because I know I'm a spoiled rotten kid, hahah. And it sucks a lot when people can't own up to their responsibilities and just admit to their shortcomings and wrongdoings.

But then again, when an opponent and I are fighting, they think I can't hold myself accountable either, oh but I do. I do all the time. Where do you think this depression comes from? The guilt that festers in me and builds and builds, making me cry up a Tsunami, and wanting nothing more than forgiveness for treating people like shit or taking advantage of the situation. They might think that way, and guess what? I agree. Yet they continue fighting with me? It's odd. But whatever.

Hmm... I just want to travel so I fucking know how lucky and privileged I truly am compared to everybody else living in this shitty yet glorious world. Take me to Cambodia and compare the two places that we live in. California versus Cambodia? Yeah. California wins.

Do they even have good, various types of food in Cambodia? Probably, but now I'm just being selfish and just talking about what I want. I'm pretty darned sure that Cambodian food is quite delectable however! Anyways, I just want to see how different people living in different regions see life and how their philosophies are. That's one of the reasons why I would adore traveling.

Good company is all I need

And essentially, that's all anyone ever really needs.

And I'll tell you why. Your company reflects on who you are. You want to be a better person? Then surround yourself with good, inspirational, kind, caring people and while you're completely unawares, with a blink of an eye, you'll change. You'll become better.

However, if you surround yourself with small-minded, petty people that love to badmouth others because they have nothing else productive to do all day, then you'll end up like them. Not saying that badmouthing is productive, in fact, it's counterproductive. It's demeaning, it's also going to stab at your sense of being what most people like to refer to themselves as goodnatured. Just know that wasting time being snarky and critical of others is a goddamn waste of time and waste of energy.

There is no point to it at all. But whatever. It's all up to you. Never was my decision. Never will be. That would make me a dictator, trying to change your life? Hah. Nah sweetheart, I'm too preoccupied with trying to change mine. Look. Before the assaults and the attacks come forth, just know that I agree with whatever slander or truth that it is you would like to convey to me. I am guilty of being the most negative piece of shit in the world.

And you know what's keeping me from going overboard? This guilt, in the back of my mind, in my subconscious, repeating my mistakes to me, haunting me with memories of my past. I know I suck. I know it all. But it doesn't hurt to be reminded, so go ahead. Be contemptuous. Just know that being contemptuous towards a stranger is not very kind, especially if you don't know what that strangers been through. All the agony and pain they've dealt with.

But whatever... It's not like everyone wants what I want. And I'm beyond happy for that. I like being me. I like that I desire to be the best that I can be. The kindest, the one with empathy. The one that gives an actual shit about shit, and doesn't give a shit about trivial nonsense like the others do. So much of wanting to get their nails done, or threading their eyebrows, or whatever else with the grooming that's done to impress whoever it is we want to impress. I don't care about that. I care about kung fu, and jazz music. I care about kick boxing and self-defense. I care about food too, mm, food makes me so happy. Makes all of the dopamine or whatever the happy chemical is release from me. I don't even particularly know how that shit works, because I for one am not a genius, so excuse me. But food sure does make me happy. And I want you to be happy too.

Just make sure your happiness doesn't deplete the happiness of other people with such petty antics.

Words hurt

Oh do they hurt so much. And I'm the type of person to take things to heart. I take things personally and I fucking hate that because everybody will end up thinking...

"Oh Elle? She's just a problematic child adult who thinks only of herself so that's why she thinks we're picking on her, but whatever. I'm just a goddamn bully sometimes." and you don't even know it, do you? Well yup! I'm childish. I'm shallow. Oh and guess what!? It doesn't hurt to spit out the goddamn truth. Like it hurts other people to admit to the fact that they are what they are, because they seem so goddamn oblivious to it.

But hey that's me, coming directly from yours truly. A selfish prick, who tells people what to do because I've got an Aries moon nearly turning into Taurus, (which makes sense because I am the biggest foodie I know around) and Aries people are bossy and domineering or so I've heard with a big fat ton of ego yet I have the nerve to tell you about my flaws without shame and without regret?

Damn. I don't know man. I have never been enlightened or anything but I know of what my negative traits are. Do you? Or are you too proud (like my Aries Moon) to admit to it? Hmm??

Astrology pisses me off sometimes. I've got two fire signs in my Sun and my Moon and they're both egotistical and yet I can tell you straight up what the fuck I am (negatively) without hurting said ego and my non-existent pride. So...

Yessss!!! I am selfish! Yes I believe it's okay to be selfish for a while because I have been living for people for so long, forgetting about my own well being and it sucked the life out of me. Made me depressed even more and shit so take the time out of your day and pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and put yourself together before somebody else does it, in a reckless maneuver.

Yesssss, yessss, yesss! I am a bitch! But somebody's got to be a bitch in order to tell people what's up. Keep them updated even in a harsh way, as long as it gets through their dense skulls. You've got to be harsh. You've got to perform discipline otherwise people will become fucking spoiled ass rotten privileged fucks who don't even know it at all. And doesn't that suck about people?

When they don't even know who the fuck they are? So we (the bitches and the sons of bitches) have got to point it out to them? "Hey, you're being a goddamn bitch right now," says bitch to another bitch, and that's just the way the cookie crumbles around here. I respect bitches when they are needed, not bitches who are bitches because they feel a sense of superiority to everyone else. I say fuck that shit. Those bitches can suck on a toe for all I care.

I'm also a liar. I'm a goddamn liar. But fuck that pathological, compulsive lying bullshit!!! That shit ruins peoples lives!!!! So no, I don't lie for that reason. Everybody fucking lies and don't you get into an argument with me on that because nothing, not one thing will change my mind. I lie when I need to. Not to fuck somebody else over. And not to fuck up the situation either but I'm kind of dull so that oftentimes happens. Through simple little white lies. It fucks up shit. So I'm trying to tell the truth, but too much truth can also fuck up a situation too. You know what I mean? If you don't, that's okay, I wouldn't understand it the first time around.

Oh world... Why do you have to fuck up my life so much? Oh Elle. It's mostly, no entirely your fault. Quit fucking blaming the world. You're like this because your demeanor is like this. You crave sadness for some odd fucking reason and it sucks. Makes you want to die. But don't you dare fucking die or I'll seriously kill you myself. Hah. Wouldn't that be funny huh. Whatever. Fuck!!! I just want to make sense with the world. I fucking hate it all. I fucking hate everything. Why can't anyone, anybody understand that shit?

Why can't anyone understand me? I need to die.

Inshape gyms are bad

You meet pretty fucked up people there.

You see, I went swimming once and this one guy, younger than me along with three other guys hit on my sister and me while we were swimming in the pool. They looked or acted Hispanic, but I can't tell through looking at a person what their ethnicity is, but they acted like cholos.

And then, I went to school and the guy that hit on me was in one of my college classes. Um, fuck that school and fuck that disrespectful guy. You don't even want to know how he's disrespectful so I won't tell you why.

Oh and, one time, while I was swimming, a mother, probably from the middle east or something, she was dark like that watched her children swim but I could tell she was staring at me, and then I leave and go take a shower in the locker room and she has her child shower in the shower right next to mine, but I still had my swim suit on because this lady was a fucking creep!!!!!

She seriously moved my fucking curtain to fucking look at my half naked body for some goddamn unknown reason and that made me extremely uncomfortable. Like shit woman!!! Would you like it if I looked at your flabby old body too!? Ugh. God I fucking hate people.

Which is why I need to stay away from creeps like that.

Drifting off... Into my own world

Well, hi again. Just stepping out of reality and entering my own world where only I get destructed and damaged and no one else...

I keep telling myself over and over again, sure there are some people on this planet who are fucked up beyond measure and deserve to live on Mars, but why try to risk your life, trying to rid yourself of these people? When if they're away, they're already away so why waste my thoughts and my stupid brainpower on thinking about them? Especially when I could be thinking about helping humanity, instead of focusing on all the fucked up people who have personally fucked up my life? Yeah. I know. I know. It makes me sound selfish, because I admit to it. I am. And no, I'm not proud of it.

(But at least I would ask if you wanted a slurpee cause I'm getting one too and hey, guess what?! It's all on me, not trying to get on your good side, I just don't want you getting thirsty is all, so I'm not selfish when it comes to objects and shit, just emotionally. And that sucks.)

You see, that's my issue with the world. If we were all happy and shit, and smiling and spreading joy and happiness and shit, then that would reflect on me. But so far, this world is corrupt and cruel, and I'm trying so hard not to let it affect me, oh, but it's quite hard ya know?

Reflections. That's what it's all about. I mean to say, that's how my personality is, because I am not a strong enough person to dictate my own traits, so I take the ones I think I need from observing others and I tweak them and perform them. This is all because I'm an impressionable young adult, easily influenced by things that I have an affinity for.

Such as cats. Oh boy, I didn't know that I would love cats until I got my man cat, Lycan but now that I moved out of my family home and am living with my boyfriend, he already had an older, cuter, better, nay, the best cat ever, named Sandwich. But if you're cool and you're obviously not trying to change people but are just naturally inspiring, I'll just mimic whatever it is you do. However, if you want everybody to copy you, and it shows in how you project yourself, well fuck off with that nonsense. Just be you and if you're cool enough, I'll reflect you. Shit, I'm already trying to reflect my boyfriend. Am I getting anywhere? Hah!! Nope! I will never attain his level of pristine self-awareness or identity and I'm not gonna copy his entire personality, just picking up the traits I need that he already has. Like being assertive, because I am a pushover and so help me God, I will butcher anyone like Cameron Dallas or whoever the fuck wants to put their goddann number on Twitter and "pretend text" me when really it was just plenty of different ass people or whatever. I don't know. But that moment made me want to kill Cameron fucking Dallas man. He is absolutely mental, and no honey, not in a good way. Sure, I've been in mental institutes but he needs solitary confinement because-ugh. I'm done with that bullshit and all of the bullshit he gave me.

It wasn't surprising that he never apologized either. Guy thinks he's a goddamn celebrity but he's also a religious zealot, so why think you're superior to a lowly commoner such as me? Keep thinking that way, and you'll burn in hell Mr. Dallas. It's a good thing that I'm not Catholic or Christian or Muslim or Hebrew or whatever because I believe in no Gods, just petty little myths. So in your delusional, religious fantasy, I'll gladly burn in hell.

But enough about that and that fucking me over scenario. Kind of ruined my life for a little bit. My self-esteem took a nosedive because I would send anonymous Dallas cute pictures of me with my weird smaller eye due to my accident, and then I see other ladies on the internet mocking my style. That was fucking rude and disrespectful. You don't do that to someone who was deformed during a car crash, unless you're just an unfriendly, contemptible kind of person. You're just not worthy of respecting. At all. Sorry to say it man.

But this eye of mine. They're not the same size. Made me want to fucking kill myself too sometimes hah, but hey, now a lot of people know how fucked up the villain Elle is in all her pictures sent to anonymous texter, troll Cameron Dallas, and now we can make fun of her! Yup. Dumb moment of mine. Just like when I tried to kill myself during that car crash because I found out for the first time that I was being cheated on. I'm just full of bad decisions and that needs to change. I'm with the guy that I love with all my heart! and I'm loyal to a fault, but I never want to hurt myself for attention or affection or acknowledgment when I'm with him because I know that that is way too immature. And will it get me anywhere? Nah.

Another immature way of treating somebody is giving them the silent treatment. Hah, ask Cameron Dallas, he's so good at that! And it fucked up with my mental health even more, until I met this guy who I've known for two years now, give or take and he's helping me become a better person who doesn't make foolish mistakes like I used to in the past. Never ever ever give your partner the silent treatment, Elle. It's childish and dumb and gets you nowhere. It's just going to make things worse.

But anyways, back to the topic. I know who I am, sometimes, especially since I'm naturally sober (alcohol tastes like shit but I hear Bloody Mary's, Mimosas and Champagne are all good? But fuck if I know haha) oh and I am occasionally reasonable. Other times, I'm in over my head, and too emotional to even identify who the fuck I even am. I change often, especially when my mental health is fucked up and right now, it's just borderline fucked up but I am trying to get it better. For my sake, for everyone else's sake. I don't want to fuck anyone over and with my poor mental health, I am going to have a demonic mind where I only think of my self-interests and nobody else's and I end up fucking other people over. And I don't want that at all!

Ya know? You see, I didn't even take revenge for what was done to me because there's no reason to. Karma will happen. Like it always happens, to me or I'm always placed in unfortunate circumstances. But the guy I previously mentioned has a good life. Cool. And he wants to share it with the world through his Twitter and YouTube or whatever the fuck he does now. How very extroverted and generous of him.

I'm not like that however. I want to keep all the happy shit to myself. Nobody else gets to see because they might hold resentment for me. They might get jealous that my mental health is finally healthy and no longer fucked up. But I don't know... I never know for sure. Those were all assumptions and things that I have been guilty of doing.

And this is another reason why I isolate myself. Why I deleted all of my social medias except for YouTube, if that's considered a social media. I don't want anyone interacting with me because I am an awkward person who's not socially inclined or even knows how to fucking talk for crying out loud because all I tend to do is talk about random shit nobody even really cares about and drift off into my own world sometimes. Nobody appreciates that or even respects it, so I try to not talk to anyone. There's no reason to anymore. Especially after how many other people either intentionally or unintentionally fucked me over. I'm not about to let that happen again, so I'm keeping myself secluded and with my lovely, respectable boyfriend who has the kindest heart I have ever known, and our majestic cat, Sandwich.

So now, after this long ass complaint of an entry with many errors and grammatical mistakes, I'm going to tell you that I'll be happier than ever. I am with the guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he makes me happy but then I interact with others and that happiness is quickly drained and turns me into a trifling bitch for a while. And oh boy, he does not appreciate that.

Who would? He deserves only kindness and respect and he deserves to live in paradise in this world. Just the two of us, alone, separated from others because they would just drag us down. I don't want people turning me into a curmudgeon for a quick minute, I want to be happy with him and the cat. And I can only do that when I'm alone.

I know this now. I don't know why I've been searching far and wide for friends when really, why would anyone want to be friends with a Negative Nancy like me? Always whining and complaining like a little girl, never really growing up. Yet most of them would think I would be fake as fuck, because all I do is compliment others but I mean it! People need to hear the good shit about them ya know!? And if no one is gonna do it, I'll gladly take that role. It is my duty to spread peace and happiness around and if that means flattery, so be it. As "fake" as it seems. Well, I think I covered a lot this morning, so I'll just be heading out now. Have a good day you, reader.

I'm the type to hold grudges

And I hate that about myself, amongst other things.

I'm also the type to never move on either. Fuck, so many things about myself make me want to choke myself. Make me realize that I shouldn't even be alive. I'm a parasite, yeah, that's what I am. I hold grudges against the people who have fucked me over, now suspecting that they will do it again and again, because they know I'm an easy target. I'm gullible and naive and many people have taken advantage of that. I've seen people like me, people who don't know any better, people who are as impressionable and as easily fooled as me, but would I ever even dare to think about manipulating them?

Hell no. It is not in my nature. I have been controlling, I have been emotionally abusive, I have been manipulative but the difference between the people that choose that type of crooked lifestyle and I is that I was completely ignorant and unaware of what I was doing in the first place.

Sometimes when I think too much, it dampens my spirit, toils my soul and it brings down the people around me. Luckily for me, since I practically dislike people, it's just one person. But it's also unfortunate because that's just my dear boyfriend, and yeah, it fucking sucks for him whenever I let all of my depressing emotions out. Sadness is contagious. Makes him sad too and that's not what I want. And I will never ever ever, for the heart of me, with all the strength within me that I can gather, manipulate him or torture him or play fucking weak ass mind games with him because that is not what the most special, most important person in the world to me deserves. No. I will honor him, I will cherish him.

I cannot break his heart just for my self interests. It's selfish and cruel. And I love him too much to see him break until he's gone to the point of total destruction.

Hobbies cost money

And I don't have a lot of money.

My income is 890 to 900 dollars a month and then, I've got my boyfriend when I'm running on empty at the end of the month. And it sucks, sucks so much. Well not really.

It doesn't really suck. I'm just a peasant, and everybody else is an aristocrat. So you've got food everyday in your fridge. I just have left overs from the Mexican joint we headed to yesterday, and that's it. And next time somebody claims that they're starving, because there is absolutely nothing to eat. Oh boy, you don't realize how lucky you are and how my respect for you has completely diminished as soon as you said that blatant lie.

You are not starving. You probably have three fridges or something. One in the kitchen, another in the backyard for BBQs perhaps, and one in the garage to store your frozen chunks of meat or whatever you'd like to store in there, so no. You're not starving. You probably just don't know how to cook the wide selection of food that is at your disposal.

Anyways, that's besides the point but not really. I was telling you that story because I'm broke and by the last week of the month, my money's already been spent. Each and every dollar of it. And I hate it so much. I want to live a life like many people out there. Always shopping for groceries. Because that is my therapy. Cooking and eating and enjoying the wonderful aroma of a tasty meal!

But, alas, I cannot do that. And no, fuck no, it is not because I'm poor, it's because I don't have groceries. And this makes me want to become a grower so bad and grow my own garden, make my own food. Help me with my mental health. I don't know. It helps. A lot....

Sad thing is, hobbies cost money. And I personally think that cooking is a hobby and that requires groceries and that shit requires funds and funds are what I lack. So yeah... How sad. And the saddest part is, I'm the only one who knows how to solve my egotistical day-to-day issues, and now I don't make sense. Sorry. Farewell.

Stretch markz

So I think I've got new ones.

The old ones are plain white, skin-flesh colored and these ones are skin-flesh purple. And they're new. And they're behind my goddamn calves. Wow. I'm not even fat!!!

Sure, some people have called me fat. Sure, some people have called me skinny. And in the mental hospital, I got accused of having anorexia. Different views on my stupid, ugly, hideous body. That's my view on it. Ya see?

Anyways, I don't get it. I either have the most sensitive skin in the world because I put on cocoa butter every goddamn day, I even tried bio oil and fucking mederma for crying out loud to get rid of my scars and stretch marks, but all to no goddamn avail. Oh and I'm 5'3, and 126 pounds. Used to be 145 so that could be why.... But that weight has gone away in months yet the stretch marks show up. Ah, whatever. I guess I have to embrace it. No matter what. Just like I'm embracing my hairy armpits and hairy legs and hairy everything else.

I am just trying to show the world that your own natural way of exuding yourself should be considered beautiful and radiant. Makes me want to be a man who smells brilliant. It's so easy for them (I know, I sound sexist, so excuse me, I tried hard not to offend) and so difficult for us girls to get through the day without enhancing our looks a bit. But some of us don't need to. Excuse me, I correct myself. We all don't need to follow the guidelines of beauty. It's not like we're going to lose all of our friends and shit because we are all just simply beautiful now and no longer reaching for looks that are breathtaking. That was my issue. Abandonment for looking like a zombie. But now, fuck it. And fuck other peoples rude and unnecessary opinions on your looks.

I'm proud of my stretch marks. I hate them. But fuck it, I was never 150 lbs and I will never reach that weight no matter what. Because if I do, more stretch marks will show up all of a sudden. And I swear to Ra, that I have a ton of them! Just place me in a museum of naked chicks, and you'll see how flawless their skin is compared to mine. Chock full of scars and birth marks. One on my buttcheek and one on my upper back (too much information but fuck it) and then bam! Stretch marks galore!!!!

I could make a list so I will. Got them here and there and everywhere! Oh and can you believe that those lucky bitchez with perfect not sensitive skin actually want stretch marks to fit in? Hah, yeah right! Not gonna happen. You won't fit in, because your body didn't acquire it naturally. And my boyfriend (who never wants to fit in so he did not say that but I did hear it fron a teenaged girl) is never joining the club! Only I can have stretch marks because it's finally something that I can be proud of, even though it's an unpleasant and a bleh sort of sight. Actually never mind, I don't care. He said that everybody has stretch marks, yet he doesn't have any. Siiighh. But here it goes:

&*_Behind my shoulders near my armpits (flabby arms)
&*_Buttock cheeks haha this is where they typically start
&*_Side of the knees, just two stretch marks each (odd)
&*_Behind knees, a whole lot of white markings
&*_Inner and upper thighs and it's like a beast there
&*_Now, since I inspected my nude body, behind calves
&*_And that's it, but there might be more, who knows

A certain type of person that I hate

Hate, hate, hate. It will never end. Because people are ridiculous and aggravating. And it should end, but I am no dictator and it's all up to the ridiculous and aggravating peoples hands. Not mine, never was.

But the hate will persist, if this nuisance never ends.

Okay, now I shall get to the point. I hate being around people who are negative. I know that I am a self-proclaimed hater, sure, but I have every right to be, because of the ridiculous, aggravating atrocities that others perform. However, these types of negatives are negative for no goddamn reason! It makes me want to choke them to near death because the consequences of manslaughter are far too severe for silly old me to handle.  But seriously, do you get what I mean? Sure, sure, sure.

It's totally fine if you're complaining about work, because it's difficult and tiresome, or your demanding, mean boss who should be fired for treating his employees like shit. C'mon man! It's a job, which means a group effort, which means teamwork! And if you are a person who would rather work alone, then do so, and don't bring down your coworkers or fellow employees like that because you're so goddamn negative, mind you. It's just awful. I hate it.

And believe me when I say that others, especially those employees will definitely hate it too. And hate you, if they're that type of negative person.

Now the people around you. When you see someone attractive or good looking, they have the audacity to say they look horrendous or disgusting. Now wait a goddamn minute, y'all. I am all about spreading love and kindness yet I am a negative ass piece of shit too, gotta work on a balance here but that is going to extremes!!! Way too much. Don't judge how a person fucking looks. If you do, you're not only negative, you're also shallow as fuck, and probably dim too. Who knows. Idiots claim to look good when they're just average of course and that they look better than models and shit. Like wait a minute. It's a competition now? It shouldn't have been in the first place.

I just knew a couple people like that so that's why it's really bothering me. All they could think about was how cute they were and shit, and hey, that's great! Exude that confidence! But don't take it to extremes by belittling other peoples looks! It just hurts a lot. Especially when they're not what fits in the worlds standards of beauty.

You know what else I would like to mention? South Korea has the worlds highest rating of cosmetic surgery and you might be wondering why, well, since I'm Asian like those lovely Koreans, it's probably because we don't fit into the worlds standards of beauty. I swear to god. That's why those ladies have so many fixes and rearrangements done to their already perfect faces! And you know what else I've heard? Sorry, I'm making this a little racial and a lot more personal than I intended at first, but whatever...

I heard somebody say that Asians look gross as fuck. That kind of knocked my heart over and had an invisible stampede storm across it, crushing it as it stopped beating, bleeding to death. Yeah, words hurt. And being Asian fucking hurts when people have the nerve to say those things. You might think I'm being sensitive, but you and I are not the same person. I'm just hypersensitive sometimes, so please understand. If you don't understand, then perhaps you're the type of person who is not willing to let other people express their emotions freely and willingly.

I'm torturing myself

First of all, I'm hungry and all that I'm browsing on my internet is the one thing I lack. Food.

Wow. How dare I? I'm also looking for ways to budget out my food or by the end of the month, I'll have nothing to eat. So that's no good. Hmm, food. Oh, do I adore you. Wow. Rotisserie chicken. Wild Alaskan salmon.

Just some of the things I looked up. And now, I want chicken and waffles. Boo! I hate how people put such pretty extra pictures of their food on their instagrams, making my tummy jealous of the deliciousness that invaded their tastebuds and gave them the rides of their lives! Mm. Oh well. It's just food.

And one day, a young child will look up to me and ask, "you're like middle aged now. Don't they teach you how to cook?"

"Who?"

"Your parents or something. Like I don't know. Yourself?"

"Nah. My parents didn't even teach me how to be responsible for myself, and they didn't even talk about the birds or the bees. So nah. They just never expected me to burn down the building, because teaching was not their forte, so I stay away from the stovetop at all costs. Or else, a fire will break loose!"

I'm sad and I don't know why

Emotions aren't made of steel. They're made of fuck if I know.. But I don't get myself... I really don't. I fucking hate myself because I am such a mystery to me.

How do I function? Sure, I have been catatonic in the past. Couldn't even shower, couldn't even eat, could barely even breathe, but now I don't get anything.

Life is meaningless. I wish it would all just end. Because I am just dragging my loved ones across with me, trying to survive on such little amount of money. I just..... I just... I just don't know anymore. I never knew to begin with.

I just wish I was good enough. Mature enough. Strong enough. Smart enough. But instead, all I do is give up. And I hate it all. I hate everything today. I hate the pattern that I'm seeing too. Wow... Someone kill me.

I'm too weak to do it myself. But don't make it violent, just make it peaceful and quick. That would be ideal.

Society's rules on beauty sucks

And I'll tell you why.

They expect women to wear makeup or they'll look like, hmm well I've been told that I looked like a zombie because makeup is not my forte, so I'm nearly always bare faced. And some people are just too forward.

Are zombies cute? To me, sometimes, but most of the time they look like leprechauns or goblins, so no. And do they fit into society's beauty standards? Oh, I highly doubt it, so makeup is a necessity for a women living under the guidelines of these "strict" rules, in order to enhance our beauty. But to enhance it is kind of fraudulent in a sense.

Adding makeup, brushing angles on your face with powder, that's making your face artificial. And artificial beauty never really is on the same level as authentic beauty. Beauty that can't be touched, or revamped, or intensified. But unfortunately, many people, (myself included) have deformities. I have a smaller eye due to the results of brain surgery haha. Now all I can do is laugh at it, and if you cringe and think "wow really!? I hope your beauty comes back." first of all. I just sighed an embarrassing sigh, because you are very shallow.

And sometimes, even zombies or goblins such as me can be cute no matter what anyone says because I say so and I look in the mirror for ten seconds and then I'm tired of it because of my stupid silly eyes. Silly eyes that I will never ever get surgery on to fix because surgery is fake. And fakeness is not what my lifestyle is about. 

I don't want to be a Kylie Jenner beauty. Yeah, the girl is beyond breathtaking, sure, but all she does is take pictures everyday of her sexy, skimpy outfits, and it's on occasion if I ever take a picture of myself everyday. Usually, I photograph cats. Not take selfies or whatever the modern word is nowadays. Kind of dislike that term but oh well. Gotta catch up with the rest of the millennials around here. But nah, I just want to be a goddamn boy for chrissakes. You know where I'm getting at?

With the standards of beauty that society hands them, all they have to do is wake up, shower, put some goddamn deodorant on and smell fresh and clean, and they already look electrifying. I think that's unfair. Sure, makes me sound like a sexist because I kind of am! And I have every right to be! I grew up in a home where the males were first, where they were more privileged. Kind of like that badass Sun lady from that tv show Sense8, living out in Seoul, South Korea whose younger brother was spoilt rotten while she was treated like shit all because she had a vagina. So I have every right to be a sexist, but I am only this way for how I used to be treated. Now, I'm away from all that, so hopefully this sexism will disappear for a while. And it will come back with full force when someone attacks me with a sexist, snide remark.

Anyways, wow... Didn't expect this entry to be so long. But before you get carried away, especially with how random it is that I talk, and how all over the place I can get. Unorganized, that's how I convey shit, and most of the time, people misinterpret it, but the thing is this; I want to be beautiful in my own way. Keeping my beautiful yet fucked up, ugly eyes, and keeping my beautiful, natural hair on my legs. My bikini area (too much information, but fuck it, it's my blog after all hahah so...) and my silly armpits. I just think that beauty that's natural is always going to surpass beauty that's reached for through using expensive concealers and foundation. And blushes and contours. And fake eyelashes and bold eyeshadows.

You see, I'm more of a fan of the natural makeup look. If it's too enhance your natural features and you love makeup, then so be it, do your thing. You're gonna end up looking better than I ever did just looking like plain old me... A freaking zombie. (Sorry, sometimes, when words hurt, I laugh a little to make the pain go away, so while I typed down the words freaking zombie, I suppressed my laughter. Don't want people thinking I have no fucking feelings or anything and I take insults such as that as a fucking joke to laugh at. No siree. It just hurts. Ya see?)

So here's a brief conclusion to this rather long statement. I'm a lady who has been called ugly before, every fucking day by my stupid brother. (Bullies suck. They need to shut the fuck up, honestly!) but I am that lady and I think that too much makeup on your face, a weave, a wig even (unless it was necessary and you're balding like me, and yet even I don't wear a wig. I just let everyone know that I've got bald spots from my much needed brain surgery) and all of that jazz is going to contribute to a fake beauty, an artificial beauty. Not a natural one. But I must confess, I wasn't born naturally beautiful, so I will enhance my features too. Gotta look good for myself in the reflection and for my partner too. Don't want him knowing that he's dating a hobo. Because that's basically my staple look. Hobo chic. Hahah. Whatever man. This post was critical. My sister is one of those people who look so much better without all that makeup but hell, she fancies makeup, gets that shit for her birthday, and who am I to tell her how to live her life? I am not her master, I am not a higher deity or anything that will guide her through her life until she seeks and finds true happiness, especially without all that unnecessary enhancement added to her. Nah, that's not my role, but I will tell you that this is my take on society's standards of beauty. And how real beauty, through my eyes, is not artificial.

.... Oh and your character too. If you're a Kylie Jenner lookalike, and you've got a nasty attitude, you're ugly as hell, even though you've got such a pretty face.