It's sad to be misconstrued. Misjudged. Miscalculated. It's sad to be misunderstood.
The things I say, I want to take back, because people are offended. They take it to heart and that fucking pains me. I didn't mean for it to. I just want you to smile. I just want you to be happy. Cry tears of happiness, not sorrow.
The way that this world is now, gives me far too much sorrow to handle. Far too much sorrow to even want to exist.
Took me 23 years, despite all the obstacles that got in the way, such as the psuedoscience many believe because they're gullible enough, called Astrology, to finally find my true calling.
I'll be 24 in August and that's the month of the Leo. Now I used to study astrology because I didn't have the mental capacity or the emotional awareness of other people and why they behaved the way they did. So I went with the occult forces of the constellations and how they supposedly affect us and our behaviors. Bad idea, let me tell ya. I got really obsessed with it, it got to the point of "Oh wow Elle is addicted to astrology? Let's stay away from her because she'll judge us based on our signs." I got to the point of being excruciatingly annoying.
So that's done and over with.
Yeah, I went as far as reading shit up on natal charts and synastry and whatnot. And I say it's all a bunch of bullshit if you really spend the time to look into it. Don't know why I studied it at the time, but it just kind of intrigued me. It could be considered a waste of time if the information was misleading or inaccurate and it is, but I still learned false information through it.
So I'm not going to call it a waste of time, just a big mistake. Just a mistake I could have been spending my time on learning how to cook. So after 23 years, I've realized that I need to learn how to cook, because food is the greatest. I also need to become more flexible and more flowy so choreography would be a step up.
Now I am a person of little to no talents. I'm not good at anything. Can't write, (which saddens me) can't sing, can't cook that well, can't dance, can't even fucking walk right, hahah, and yeah... I can draw but my drawings are mediocre. The Mona Lisa is like a superb, out-of-this-world skyscraper compared to my unpleasant drawings. So I kind of quit that. I did draw Angelina Jolie once. I think she's one of the most gorgeous people on the planet if you wanted me to sound like a superficial prick so there you have it.
Excuse me for sounding a little, hmm, I don't know the right word for it, but upfront maybe? No, um, forward perhaps? Crude and disrespectful could be the right words. Not sure. But it was never my intention. Anyways yeah.
In ten years, I want to be able to cook myself and all of my loved ones a hearty, wholesome, gourmet meal, that will be of course, fattening but I can shed it all off by dancing the night away. Great idea right? If you disagree, that's alright. I don't really mind, but it's the best idea this petite, ruined brain of mine can pick up.
Sometimes, you just gotta live with the dummies in this world and that includes me. If you can't deal with it, guess we'll have to categorize between smarties and dummies and dummies live in one section of the world while the smarties live in another. That would be immoral and cruel however. We should all just coexist. People need to quit making fun of the dumb idiots unless their actions and behavior are actually affecting you in a negative manner. Just be nice... Unless the cretins of this world are also cruel, then kill those bastards with your sharp tongue and vicious remarks.
Goddamn I am demanding!
Well yeah.. Goodbye now.
So many things I need to survive, but in this world, all I need is sustenance, water, sleep, cats and acknowlegment to stay alive. Acknowledment from you. That kind of acknowledgment from you would be bittersweet, just like our relationship is, but a little more from you would make me seem like I'm high maintenance sure, and this might sound demanding, but overall, the effect would be unbearably sweet. I would feel like I exist, but not just exist, am adored by you. I know, I know, it's asking a lot but that's all that I need to be happy in this world.
That could be me. Who knows? To be honest, I don't think I'm mentally ill, it's this world, it's sickening sort of. Like a pandemic that is going to end up becoming global eventually.
So people think I'm insane because I've been to mental institutes? Hah, well so be it. But with my uncanny abilities, I was freed from those vacation spots quite quickly and back to the mentally ill reality of the world. Society has this notion of a mental patient, and they think that we're psycho or something like that. Yeah, well, we are. Your prophecy was just fulfilled. But this is my story on the matter.
I fucking went there, because it was either there or a fucking incinerator so that they could burn up my stupid corpse. Now, it's your turn to do the judging. Based off of how I spoke to you, and I am speaking to you directly and honestly, do you think I'm psychotic? If you answered no, then cool but don't lie. If you answered yes, then we might just be good friends, you and I.
Ah, a new year. A new year of me living in misery. Fuck, I need music or something. Sure, I feel emotional pain every day, primarily because of one of my biggest flaws. Envy. I envy so much. But do I take? Fuck no. I just want to die sometimes, or give my life away to somebody who is dying from lupus or cancer and wants to live! Fuck, I don't want to live but if I had it all, I most certainly would. I would want to live if I experienced what you have. Didn't have a fucked up family like I do. Weren't as sensitive and melodramatic as I am. I would be glorifying life and wanting every moment to take my breath away. Sure, I smile but that's just a front my dear. After that, the rest of the day, I'll frown. Permanent frown on my face because this world and I don't get along. I am the biggest disappointment I have ever known. So please, please dear stranger, don't ever try to involve yourself with me unless you don't want me to die. Then help a lady out here. 2017 could be another year while I wait and wait, patiently, for my death. I've had enough of this world.
Alright then. My name is Elle or L, it doesn't matter. Before I got into the accident that changed my life and gave me all of these evident marks and shit, (hello thyroidectomy scar) I was already sensitive and then I come out of the hospital during my 2 day surgery on this stupid brain of mine that never actually works and I pause for a moment, wondering how dreadful the experience was. Of course, I was put to sleep during the procedure, but look at me now!
Horrifying! I got even more sensitive for some reason. People would look down on me because of my disfigured eyes. Well, at least... That's what I thought at the time. Horrible thoughts of what other people thought of me spawned from my paranoia because before, I actually thought I was capable of being cute. I had blazing hot red hair, and I tried to be a hipster or a scene kid that was popular, but most of my life, I got bullied and never was popular. Went nowhere with trying to gain friends by the dozen and keep 'em too.
Thing is, an odd person like me? Who can relate, so I was uncool and not that many people befriended me. In fact, most of them I drifted away from or they abandoned me. I abandoned them is my definition of "drifting away" from them, so essentially I'm a bad friend. Didn't give any Christmas presents or birthday gifts because I am a bad friend and broke, so, it just goes to show. Besides, I don't even like people. They end up being a waste of time, and they add stress to my life with all their wrongdoings and treating me like I'm inferior.
Hello dear, I may be human and I know that I mean little to nothing but I still exist and would gladly appreciate your acknowledgment. Yeah, bullies are a no go for me. I know that I have been a bully too. It sucks, but I only verbally attack when I have been verbally attacked. It's kind of stupid, kind of childish but whatever. I have to defend myself because I refuse to be a pushover. So I don't condone the cruel acts of bullies, but I have been known to be a total jerk. Forgive me for saying so. Anyways, let's discuss my accident and my recovery in the hospital. Great and shit! I'm alive and all, but my face is just messed up to the core!
No wonder boxers and people who fist fight cover their heads a lot. To prevent any permanent damage but that's just what I got. Damage to my skull and to my eyes. Disgusting, in my opinion and you have your own too and if you agree with me, well, how dare you but it's true. I look like a mutant with my eyes and I am grateful for still being alive and not a vegetable so thanks docs over in... Oh, fuck! I forgot where the hospital was at?
Hmm, probably Davis. Maybe Davis. I was asleep, unconscious for 2 months and then they moved me to Vallejo, where I would recover for a month. Still couldn't walk though. Dude, car accidents are bad because I had to get neurosurgery and this shit is something I cannot recollect but a bizarre discovery came upon me. I somehow got uglier because my features weren't as aligned as before. And now, you could obviously see it.
One eye is larger than the other now. At first, I was a little insecure and shit due to the fact that I'm Asian and have chinky eyes and shit. (I swear, shit is a fun cuss word and it won't leave my mouth!) But then again, I realized something. I've noticed that white people and other ethnicities and shit have chinky eyes too! Got them Mexicans with slanted eyes, got Taylor Swift, when she's grinning with lines for eyes and I must admit, every one of them all looked good. I was just racist to my own race. I didn't mean any offense whatsoever by the way. I am an Orient so I do have slanted eyes, so of course I didn't mean it as an insult.
The oriental Asians, (other Asians have beady eyes though and they are quite neat) but then again, even with their eyes, they are still undoubtedly charming as heck. But anyways, back to the topic at hand, didn't I mention I was sensitive?
Now all I want to do is die because I got into an accident that made me uglier. Sounds selfish because it is. I am only thinking of myself in this predicament. I looked at my reflection for too long and it hurt me internally. I wanted to smash the windows but I was too weak to do so, didn't want to clean my mess up so instead I cried to myself. Shit like this tears emotional people like me up. You probably wouldn't know, because you aren't selfish like me.
Now all I want and need to know is everything in the world and how on earth did I get this thyroid scar? From what!? The accident? Look. I don't understand. People get cosmetic surgery and I got neurosurgery and they fucked up my eye! Why!? Just so they can make me come back for plastic surgery to fix my goddamn skull structure. Hmm. I need to make an appointment with my doctor. It's been almost 5 years since my accident and I still don't have full clarity. This is weighing heavy on my chest.
