Oh, why I hate the world sometimes!

So, I get irritated a lot. And I think that it's about time I fucking tell people that the way that they function is not the typical way they assume everybody functions.

Because it sure as hell ain't the way that I function. Now I'm just saying... Because before, in the past now see, I would just keep my anger hidden, hiding within me, while people fucking bossed me around and patronized me, acting like I was a little baby. And no, like fuck no.

You can only do that if you're older than me, in which case I must respect you because you have seen more days than I have therefore you have to be wiser. Otherwise...

It is not okay. It is a form of ridicule. How scornful people can get when others (such as me for instance) don't follow their goddamn methods of, of... Fuck. It's ineffable and I'm just too busy letting out all of my anger and my contempt for those types of people.

Those types of people, I have zero respect for. Absolutely nada, and ya know why? They are too egotistic and pompous to be around. And you know why else? Because it's time for me to grow the fuck up and not let anyone bring me down. Sure, I've been weak. Sure, I've been suicidal for fucking days on end, but there's got to be a purpose for this life. Or maybe it's just a leisurely activity until it's game over and I'm a goner, but that's just the way it goes. I'm not scared of death, nah not that.

What I am scared of is pain. Cruel, chronic, catastrophic pain that never seems to go away until someone is merciful enough to doctor you or end it all with a mercy kill. I fucking despise pain and when I see what seems to be a poor innocent soul, or hell, even a suspect dying of losing so much blood, it pains me too. I'm not saying I'm a good person, I'm just saying, there's enough brutality in the world as it is. I don't want to see it anymore. It kills me inside. And you know what else kills me too? 

The thought that just because somebody committed suicide, nobody has the decency or the compassion to actually remember that person while they no longer exist? It was like they lived their lives in vain. And that's all they're ever gonna be known for. Not something remarkable like what Einstein did or Tesla for that matter. Those people are worth something. It's a shame that a persons worth diminishes into nothing when they no longer exist. Is it because once we're gone, we're gone for good? For all eternity? Hmm, well maybe.

Maybe we're all just ordinary.

I've always wanted to be a food blogger!

But! My boyfriend hates that I adore food. And I don't! I mean, of course I do. I need it to stay alive. But I need you too, boo. (Okay, I tried to rhyme. Failure. He's what I adore! Not food. If it were a competition, I would sacrifice food and choose my man.)

Anyways yeah. Can't right now. But I'm determined and hellbent on becoming a gourmet chef. Because right now, I'm sloppy, I'm a wreck, and I'm messy as fuck in the kitchen. And my food doesn't turn out looking and smelling tasty. It looks like shit, and excuse my language. Yikes. This filthy mouth of mine needs to disappear especially when I'm talking seriously, and food and cooking is talking seriously to me. Entrées or entreés, fuck if I know how to spell it correctly. I just want to make food that will unite all of us grumpy folks and make us happy for the meantime. That's what I love about food.

It can either pick up my diminishing mood in a jiffy or make me go sugar-crazy. But it will also make me fat because I don't have a high metabolism like my lovely partner over here. But it's food!!!! What's not to love!!?

Life, ah life

Life is complicated...

Mostly because that's how I see it as and in turn, that's how it ends up being. Especially because I lack the strength to overcome such difficult trials and complicated struggles. But that's all deeply-rooted in the mind. Now that may sound a little too complex or it could just go over your head, but what I mean is simple.

My brain won't allow me to gain the strength I need to stand up to all of these adversities. Say for instance, a person pissed me off. Now usually, speaking on behalf of myself here, I would just hold a grudge because my cruel heart says so for a while. Hold resentment for a while and become passive aggressive and then, I end up hurting my closest loved ones until he can't take it no more. (Sorry honey! but you ought to know I love you!!) I take it out on my boyfriend because that's whom I live with. I take it out on people and I shouldn't and it hurts. It's making them suffer and I know it is all my fault! So don't do that guys. Don't be like me. Learn from my mistakes. Don't let your hatred for another person get to you, to the point where you must let it out on others and use them as punching bags. It's no good and very unwise. Trust me on that.

Don't ever ever rinse your goddamn chicken y'all

Just thought I'd give a hint out to you folks, my audience. Rather, myself. I have a tendency to forget all the good shit, even more so, following my brain surgery.

All the bad shit however. That stays. So if it ever crosses your mind to hurt a poor, sensitive soul like me for no goddamn reason or because it somehow is supposedly "entertainment" to you, then you stranger, need to find a new set of hobbies. Because bringing people down, bringing anyone down is stress-inducing to the victim and it's just a horrible and unhealthy activity to participate in.

And that's another reason why I stay away from people. I am dramatic. That's for sure, so why stay around a person like me? All I would do is give you tons and tons of bullshit and drama that's only intended for soap opera theaters. Now that is how dramatic I can be. I have seen my dramatic antics turn what would have been good events to ominous ones in minutes. And the thing is, I want peace and balance for all, so I'm risking my social activity and I'm risking what's left of my sanity for you.

Besides, being around people for too long will make me lose my mind. Ahem. Sanity. That's all for the other folks out there. My sanity will be diminished. So why, oh why were people trying so hard to get me out of my house to interact with others? Yeah, I don't know man. I can be a lunatic in public, and nobody wants to be seen with a lunatic. And I'm not trying to sound philosophical or anything, but it is the truth of the matter when I say that I am but a speck of dust on this planet Earth, and all that I'm trying to do is seek happiness and fortune, and if that means avoiding interacting with others, then so be it.

Even if that means that I'll go insane for the time being. By the way, when I say things like that, you would think I regret it but I honestly don't. I'm fucking happy living my life like this. Away from the cluster-fuck of people, trying to dumb me down, as if I don't already accomplish that myself. I want to be alone, rely on myself, and the ones closest to me, if they're cool with it, and I just want to be happy without knowing about the rest of the world.

Makes me hate that technology makes me know how a lot of people look like and how they behave online due to Google, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, hell even YouTube for crying out loud. Makes me want to get into a time machine, and fall into a time period where no one really knew each other. More mysterious to me. I think that entering my personal data on the internet has ruined my life in a way. But now, I've deleted plenty of my social medias. I, personally, don't want to be social.

I've tried, in the past, but, uh, people and me? We rarely interact well. I get angry. I get aggravated yet you really can't tell unless you hit a button that's not meant to be touched and then I'm the devil in human-form. I will screech at you like a banshee, with all my might and then after that, go home and cry until I drown in my tears.

There ya go. That's who I am. My flaws. I am a devilish, yet sad blackened soul, who wants the blackness to vanish and the demonic side of me to disappear. I never liked being an emotionally abusive bitch, but I will be more than a bitch, I will hurt you so much with simple little words that are coming out of my mouth through cruelty and scorn, not truth at all. So if I offend you, just know that I'm lying. Know that I'm angry and I didn't mean a word I said. I just wanted to hurt you more than you hurt me, by straight up lying through my teeth.

Stories have been told

Again and again, of peoples torments and tribulations.

We all suffer in life. We all go through complications. And you know what else I've realized, through my brief existence in life? We are all different. We all see things differently. Each and every one of us has their own viewpoints on certain things. We've got this thing called perspective. So next time someone tells you what to do, either kill them with kindness and just ignore their troublesome babble or be fierce and tell them to go fuck themselves. I prefer going with the latter, but it depends.

So I was thinking

That if I died, that if the accident succeeded in taking away my life, so many people, so many would be relieved.

But then another side of me is telling myself that most people would end up depressed and distraught. Like life was being sucked out of them.

So even though life is a struggle and many hardships come my way every so often, I'm still breathing, looking, seeking, searching for a meaning in life.

Because my only exit out of this existential hell is death.

Oh people, so, cooking is fun

But very, very hard. Especially if you get easily distracted like me! Uh oh! Carbon monoxide! Something's smoking up in the kitchen, Elle. Chyup... Gotta deal with the fact that right now, at this very moment, in the month of May, 2017, I have tried to cook, but the shit that came out was still shit or not even cooked because hey, I admit, I am the crappiest of cooks. Ever. Anyways, I don't know who I am. I don't think I'll ever find out, oh dear me. But the thing is people, I'll keep searching. And I'm going to search doing the things that I love.

If you don't know me, and I am an open book after all, you'd probably not be aware of my undying need for the satisfaction that food provides for me. Basically, all I can say is food comes first. After cats. Cats are my god. They are a figment of my mind's delusion of a deity.

Anyways, yeah... Food. Ah, cooking. Ah, me and cooking? We don't get along well. First of all, I'm a clumsy fool in the kitchen, for example, say I was chopping up a celery stick for a salad. Bam, suddenly out of nowhere, the knife that I was guiding so delicately with my hands manages to chop off my finger!

Well, not chop off, but cuts it, slices it, you get the picture. I was just exaggerating because it sounds better if it were that gory. Anyways, this is me and my interests combined. Shouldn't that give you a hint or a clue into who I truly am? I like food, I like cats, I like water too. How destructive yet calm and serene it could be. Oh how it reminds me of calm drizzles that hit the pavement and the wilderness or tsunamis out there in the deep ocean.

Anyways... I know, I know, I know. Must be hard trying to learn how to cook, but shit!!! I fucking adore food, and usually, I'm a little picky and only I can fix my meals to suit my preferrable needs. Therefore, one day I'll be a cook. It's just I'm a little slow, mind you, in learning how to fix up a meal with a spatula. And if you, in your right mind, have the decency to treat me as your equal and your colleague at the very least, don't make this a competition. Don't think, "oh, she's slow. She'll only be a burden on your team," if we're doing group activities. It hurts and it is shameful. I'm sorry that I wasn't born with your quick wit or fast reflexes. Hell, I know I'm a clutz and that you're elegant and graceful, now don't do the competition anymore, because I unfortunately just did it. There you go. You're better and I am thick in the skull. I hope that makes you happy, which also makes you a sadist in a sense. Happy because somebody like me is lower and inferior to you, oh superior person. Sometimes, I don't get you.

Sometimes, when I get into a fight, I just agree with them, until they realize oh, it's over, and yeah it is over. I agree with your statement. You're smart, I'm a fool. The end. End of discussion, I take it. Yet sometimes, people can't stop egging me on and provoking me. Makes me want to seek out solitude. Makes me want to die sometimes to end all this bullshit interaction with the rest of the population. Makes me want to crawl into a corner and just cry. Not die... That would sound cliché, because I think I might've heard it before.

Three things I adore are: food, cats, weed, films, Alfred Hitchcock, superheroes, weed, video games, walking, animals, weed, Mexican food, Japanese food, sushi, pizookies, weed, stretching, swimming, hairstyles, weed, oh and fashion, and food.

Wow... That sounded annoying. But no matter what people say. If they don't believe in me, that's okay. I don't even know why I'm mentioning it. I just need to cook. To take care of my lovely boyfriend, and to take care of anyone else who's got a grumbling tummy, aching for food. And it's got to be good. I need to be a good cook. Not someone who I am now. A crappy, shit cook.

Gusto kong pumunta sa Palawan

Ah, hindi ko alam ... pero gusto ko na malaman ang espanyol wika dahil ito ay isang magandang paraan upang makipag-usap.

I may be a Filipino fob but I was born and raised as a toddler in the Philippines, and I can still speak and understand that shit... And I never ever ever want to forget something that I learned on the islands more than a decade ago.

Anyways, here's the thing guys. People always claim that I myself, don't know how to talk. Well, one, talking is a mutual job. It requires two people. One who listens and one who expresses their laments while the other person looks at them in concern, while sympathizing with them all at the same time. Well, hell, that's just how I talk. Or prefer to talk, because some conversations can be tossed in the gutter for all I care.

Sure, I'm shallow enough to talk about the media sometimes, even mention a celebrity or two, but I refuse, I damn right refuse to let those types of conversations dictate the type of person I am. I don't want people to look at me and tell others, "Oh, don't talk to her, she'll just spread gossip and rumors around and all she talks about is how hot and attractive peoples features are, especially celebrities. Oh, and not to mention, her admiration for fashion and her adoration for food! It's just allll she talks about. It's like geez, first her brain got injured to the point where she doesn't remember it at all and she got into a coma as a result and then bam! Brain dead for a while, yikes! and now she can't even muster up the intel for knowledgeable conversation. She can only speak at a shallow, superficial wavelength and I got tired of it! You will too! Promise!"

I don't want to spend my conversations on mere gossip and the corrupt spreading of rumors because rumors tend to be untrue and fabricated through the tongues of many silver-tongued speakers.

Anyways... I've got a big family. Some of them are poor and they live together in a decent sized home, so it's not like they're living in poverty. They are just trying to get by. Cause I've got two of my uncles living with my grandmother and I hear tell (just a rumor by the way, no truth in the matter yet) that my aunt will be moving into their already crowded house. And I say crowded because, my grandma has a boyfriend and my uncles have children. Six in total to be frank.

Room one is for them, and then one uncle sleeps in another room with his son, and his three daughters all sleep in another room. Altogether, that's three rooms. This house is big, apparently, according to how many bedrooms there are. Another uncle sleeps in another room with his two daughters. As for my aunt? She's not there yet, and if she was, she'd probably sleep on the sofa because there's only 4 bedrooms available.

Anyways, let's make this brief. I just want out of this shithole and I need to go on a vacation back to where I hail from. The Philippines, in the sweet old island of Palawan.