My brain is fucked up

And it's messing with everything in my life. Turning friendly relationships I used to have into sour, or non-existent relationships.

People are turning back into strangers because of me. I hate the world and I hate how right and truthful it can get most of the time. My brain is fucked up so thanks accident which I don't even recall taking place 5 years ago at that railroad track I used to live by.

And now I don't remember shit, well, I used to not remember shit, but now it's gotten worse. It's an every day cycle. I fucking hate it. Want to die because of it.

It ruins peoples lives. I ruin peoples lives and I don't want to anymore. It just makes me feel very, quite evil.

Can't sleep so 7 Days to Die it is

Ah. Distractions.

I love them. In the form of delectable meals to tasty simulations where I must survive during a zombie apocalypse. Don't ask me why I used tasty... Can't think of another word. Anyways... I'm happy right now.

When I'm distracted, I become happy. It's cool. I just died in the game though. Ah. Restart. That's the joy of video games. But you can't restart in reality. No resuscitations, no revivals, nope none of that. You're just dead.

Plain as day. But I'm happy and hey stranger. You should be too. I love when people who have witnessed something as tragic as death can still smile no matter what. Those types of people lead tragic lives sure, but they don't let it get them down, because they're smiling nonetheless. It shows strength, it shows courage.

We need that in our world. Spread that joy around.

No motivation

Ever go through a day, dying to let it end?

Dying for people to go away, stop putting pressure on you, stop expecting the world out of you, just stop altogether? Ever want to go into a coma for a while? Hibernate? Because so far, nothing goes my way.

And hell, it's not like I expect it too. In this world, through these trying times, not much will ever go my way, so how can I expect shit to happen exactly as I imagined it to happen? Nothing ever really does, and I'm used to it.

The world is a cruel place, especially to people who have no self-awareness and no self-reflection. Just take the time that you have out of everyday and think to yourself, look in a mirror, and state your flaws. What could be the reason you have no willingness to do a goddamned thing when you wake up to a brand new day?

No encouragement is one of them. No cheerful gestures, no kind words of support. Nothing... And that has drained me of my life and of my energy of living everyday.

Hmm, I am so dramatic... But downplay what I said earlier and then you'll get it. I was surrounded by toxic people. People who didn't believe in me. Told me I couldn't even fucking drive because of an accident that happened 5 years ago. Well, that just depleted me of all my energy to actually learn how to drive. Never took a drivers education class and tada, got into an accident that lasted 3 months in the hospital. Two days for my brain surgery because I'm kinda tiny and the air bags must not have covered my head and the windshield probably struck at my frontal lobe, mind you. So now, I'm retarded, as many people assume due to a fucking brain injury. The rest of the time, I was asleep for over a month, and then, I had to recuperate in the hospital. Had to learn how to walk again, while I got injected every fucking day. Hahah, injections are fun once you get the hang of them. I did. They don't hurt, they just poke, a lot. Well, okay.

That's it... I don't think I'll ever get over my accident. It was the biggest thing to happen in my life, other than meeting my partner in 7 days to die crime. Yeah. I guess I'm just a person who dwells on the past too often, and it drains me of everything, so it's something that's got to change about me. Otherwise, I'm hellbent for misery.

What's it like to have friends

I don't know anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I have had the opportunity of having friends. But most of them were unethical, a shame to be around, overly-sexual, or too fucking mean and it influenced me. Boy did it influence me.

And I became, an, I don't know, a bitch, because of it. I am trying so hard to be non-judgmental. I'm trying so hard to see only the good in people, but the way that I've been treated and the way that people have spoken to me with such ill remarks and foul words, I don't know if I can. If I can even see the good in anybody anymore.

I know this is going to sound bad and coming from a filthy tongue like mine, it might sound worse, but everyone has their flaws. Everyone makes mistakes, but those mistakes shouldn't hurt other people and if it does... It just makes you look like a goddamn cruelhearted, self-satisfying bastard. I know too many of those.

Way too many. It's about time we start spreading happiness and joy. It's about time we start spreading smiles instead of frowns or expressionless faces. It's about time we start spreading compassion and harmony.

Isn't that what you're looking for? Because it's going to make me spectacularly happy, of course! Peace will surround us, if we just try to be happy. Even if it's just pretend for a while, eventually that pretense will become habit, and that habit will spread throughout the globe. People will be happy, and that makes me happy.

It's simple really yet it is kind of dull, but a smile wouldn't hurt. In fact, it will help. It will motivate others to smile, even if they're having a bad day. Unless of course they're pessimistic and frowning is their talent, then never mind, but for the optimists out there, even if you got scolded for not taking out the trash or doing the dishes and it upset you because your mom slapped you across the face hard as punishment, you should smile when someone else initiates a smile. But then again, I don't want to command you of anything or tell you what to do. Your choice, your life. Do whatever makes you happy. My only command is that through your pursuit of happiness, make sure that nobody, not one soul is harmed in the process. That's it.

Goodbye now and have a good day. You deserve it.

No good will come from me

Except constant bits of complaints and tantrums of misery.

But I must remember, that misery is a tale that shouldn't be told. It shouldn't be shared. It shouldn't be given for someone to hold. It should be tossed aside and forgotten, just like the foul memories that come with it. And the past that haunts its victims. Misery captures every soul.

Otherwise how could we be human? In life, pain and sadness is expected. Tears and tribulation. It would be a lie coming from my mouth if I were to claim that out of the 7 billion people that roam this earth right now, that not one of them feels. Even if you're a psychopath, like  Charles Manson, I'm pretty sure you feel. Even if it's just for a millisecond.

We all feel. We all feel trapped. We have, but once or twice, felt doomed. We have felt vulnerable, and we have misery to thank for that. Because without misery and pain, how else could we feel contentment and pleasure?

Suffice it to say, we have to feel the opposite, in order to feel at all. We have to go through difficulties and sadness in order to be truly happy. But happiness is an easy emotion. Just don't feel any negative thing, hell, don't even know a thing, and then suddenly, out of the blue, you're happy. They do say that ignorance is bliss. But that's not always the case... I believe.

But enough about my thoughts, because they shouldn't influence the impressionable. And besides, there's a reason my thoughts don't make sense. I'm irrational most of the time, so there is no use in arguing with me. Ration over heart and I lean towards the heart. I tend to rely on my feelings and my emotions rather than my thoughts. That's just a glimpse into how irrational I can be.

It's best to never start a verbal conflict with me, because it will lead nowhere but me drowning in my tears. Anyways, that's the point of this entry. Just to change the way I look at things, and my miserable outlook on life. It's high time I changed that. Instead of misery, I should be spreading smiles and happiness and joy. Things that are opposite of what gets me down most of the time. And you should too.

But then again, I'm no guru. And I have no authority over you. Your life, your choices. Just make sure they make you happy and the rest of the people you're involved with.

Judgmental nonsense

People will look at me and people will judge.

But they don't know that judging me is hurting my heart. It's making me feel weak, it's draining me of my life. It's giving me aches and pain, and nobody deserves pain.

No matter how cruel and brutal they can be. Sure, at times, impulsively, they deserve that pain, but deserve is a strong word. And so impulsive. Especially if they just killed your mother while you witnessed it. You must fight and take vengeance upon your mother with brute force. Or any kind of violence with the vitality that you have. But then again, what if the killer accidentally murdered your mother? Do they deserve your unkind gesture towards them, for your need to show your undying love for your mother? You'd kill for your mother sure, but what is it good for? Just forgive and forget. Karma will bite them in the ass instead, and you, my friend, don't need to be their karma. It was a mistake... And that's what's happening now. Karma is biting me in the ass.

It already bit me in the ass when I got into a car accident that nearly took my life, rearranged my face and made me look somewhat deformed. Yup, that's karma talking for ya. And now it's biting me in the ass again.

Because of one simple, petty thing. Judgments.

I fucking hate judgments. I barely judge and when I do, I tend to lean towards the positive judgments. I think trees are pretty, flowers too, rocks even. I think Steve Buscemi is somehow attractive, because honestly, who cares what a person looks like? If it's beauty you're after, you must be quite shallow. And no, no, no, don't call me shallow.

You know that hurts, but I just called you shallow so whatever. Call me whatever you please. I've just been raised by shallow people who talk only of shallow, petty things that it's influenced me in a way. They told me I was ugly and would never get a man. Well, who's with a person now that time has passed and that you're all alone, sulking and probably still talking shit about people because you're shallow as fuck. God, I'm so mean.

Somebody should shoot me dead as punishment, but seriously. You can't say anything like that without the person remembering it for life. Even a person with amnesia or TBI as I self-proclaim to have remembers that shit.

People say that I judge and I do. I do judge.
I'm so sorry, I'm only human. Don't we all judge?
But I have never called another female or male ugly unless I knew of how much of a disturbance they are.
Only disturbances and unsightly disarrangments are considered ugly to me. And if they're human, so be it.
And that's why I judge. And that's why I'm evil. And that's why I suck. And that's why somebody should take my life because I haven't the courage to do so myself.

Down in the dumps

I've never heard of somebody referring to themselves as a slob. Or a cretin. Or anything else belittling for that matter.

It just isn't right when somebody can't admit to their faults. Take responsibility for their actions or accountability for their behavior. If they suck as a person, then they should say it!

Or let other people reiterate it to them, countless times until they get it through that dense skull of theirs.

Besides, if I had heard of cruel, self-deprecating remarks being told to oneself, I most likely would have forgotten it because it's so uncommon. Most of the time, people boast and brag and it is just pathetic to me. I say that hurting yourself is random and cruel to yourself... But it is the inaccuracy and incorrect notion of thinking that you're right all the time that is so memorable to me. Besides, that shit is kind of common sense to me, and if you don't know something, don't act all high and mighty and act like you know it when you obviously don't. That's pretentious and lying. And that makes you a goddamn liar. What else? Hmm... Just admit to the world that you suck, and hopefully the world will take you away.

Sure words hurt, but will this pain be everlasting? Perhaps.. But I've got to deal with it every fucking day.

Everything pt. 2

Most of us don't know what we want but a few of us lucky ones do. Only we refuse to recognize just what it is because we're shameful, doubtful of the truth. If only we knew, it's staring right back at us. So close, we could taste its whisper if we wanted to. Beckoning for us to come a little closer, breathing us in, breathing us out. Consuming us all, entirely. Like a black hole, it pulls us in deeper, obliterating every atom, every molecule that crosses its path. Until all we have turns to nothing, until that turns to ash. Until the ash scatters and bursts into flames, until the combustion creates everything we've ever wanted. Everything we've ever had. 

Hey guys, just catching up

No big deal. But yeah, I just talked to my lovely boyfriend. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I hope he knows that, or I might have to shout it to the world. Something obnoxious and annoying like that.

Before we had our brief little discussion, boyfriend and I, I was suffering something many know as writers block. But now, I don't really care. I'll just type nonsense if I have to. Typing is fun, typing is making me feel productive. Typing is making me feel alive. And I've always wanted to feel alive, especially in the dystopian era we are currently living under. Typing is better than sleeping, because sleeping is like ya know, resting in peace. And sometimes because of this world, I just want to rest forever.

You know what else makes me feel alive and thriving? My boyfriend. He gives me life. He doesn't drain me like the rest of the population does sometimes. He restores me. I'm so glad about that. Oh and by the way, I'm feeling a little pissed off right now. You see this is why I hate being out in public and being a person of color.

Just cause I'm Asian and can't see because of my squinty eyes, doesn't change the fact that you're fucking racist. Asians are not gross looking. What the fuck is the matter with you? Get a fucking life for chrissakes, instead of throwing insults at my entire races face.

We are all human. We are all skin and bone. Now wouldn't you be gross looking if I shredded your skin and your bones protruded, showcasing themselves to the world? We're all skeletons dear. But they're not gross looking to me... Just creepy. Just be nice. Please.

Fatigue

Tiredness. Fatigue is killing me. A woman like me, who essentially looks quite young, not yet in her 20s even though I am, and I have the body of a teenager. Even though those teenager years of mine have been long past. I'm of average or below average intelligence.

Trust me, you would know. Ideas never formulate in this stagnant brain of mine, therefore how else could I be considered smart? Most of the time, I form no patterns and shit like that. I just stick with what's tried and true, because that's how dummies stay alive and survive in this vast, blue planet of a zoo. We're all animals, essentially.

And I'm not a very smart animal. Everything that I do, first time is a failure. Even the second time around, I fail. I have to be consistent and persevere, or will an idiot like me amount to anything? No. Exactly. I'm not very smart and this constant need for energy, for strength, for the power and the will to keep my eyelids open sometimes is draining me!!!!! I can't even read an entire book without falling victim to the lure of slumber. And get this...

I don't even do shit!!! All I so is sit around, play video games, sometimes I walk, when I need to use the bathroom but that's all the exercise that I get! How pathetic is my life!?! I need to do yoga and/or martial arts so that I can regain some energy.

I feel like I'm wasting my life away with this need to constantly sleep at all times all because I get tired from doing absolutely nothing. Wow. I am a straight up bum.

The root of all evil

Hello there. How are you doing on this gallant day?

Where the roses bloom and you breathe in that beautiful aroma as the blood beneath your skin boils while you wait for whatever it is you're waiting for.

Hahah, oh dear, my deary. Cut me some slack, I'm just trying here. But there's no point in trying to impress others anymore, so enough of the pleasantries.

Let's get down to business.

***

I actually edited the first paragraph. It's alright now, but before, it was absolutely horrifying to even glance at.

So money. Would it be a lie if I were to claim that most people don't need money? Most people can live, survive without it? As vast as the world is, that would sound like me lying through my teeth. So no, not everyone needs money. I wouldn't know exactly, because I am fixed at home and cemented here. Phew, which is good.

The outside world, reality, where the public is, where other people are, that would destroy me. And not just internally. I'm just a sensitive yet fiery soul who can stand up for herself, but I will cry until the tears run out. And the pain decreases and now all I'm doing is complaining. Forgive me. Now, I should return to the topic at hand.

Money... Hmm. Back in the day, we would trade oils and wheat and grains to others? I'm not too sure on this, so don't take my word for it but I'm pretty sure that we got maize from the Native Americans that ruled these lands until we conquered them and now, coexist with them.

Oh and they do call Native Americans Indians but I promise to you, they're not from India, they are from America. They're just dark skinned and shit hahah. Common misconception. Indian food is good though. Mm tasty food, as for Injun food (I believe that's what those movies and television shows call them, because why would they give false information to the public?)

Who knows... But yeah... Natives are cool and stuff, never tried their food however. I have tried Indian food, a place in the middle east ya know.

***

Anyways, money.

Hahahahahaha. I'm sorry. I must have a laughing syndrome or something or maybe perhaps I'm just utterly nervous. Who knows. Thing is however, money is the root of all evil and I'll tell you why.

Whenever somebody gets verbally assaulted by somebody who looks like me perchance, (like a goddamn hobo but I take pride in all my thrifted threads) and then somebody resorts to coming back at them with, "at least I make more money than you ever will, you goddamn cripple."

Cripples only get money from the government and according to the government I'm disabled for life so apparently I'm a "cripple." And you're right, we don't get that much money... But at least I'm getting money, and all I did was wreck my stupid brain during an accident that I completely forgot because I blacked out for over a month or something. Who fucking knows, who fucking cares.

At least I get money from the government! It's just, I would rather have Arnold Schwarzenegger rule over us as president than He Who Must Not Be Named because that would just lower my IQ. Now I'm being mean, sorry stans of Donny boy. Oh.. What a child our president is.

And I'm acting like a child now too, by mocking him. Anyways... Money sucks. It tears people apart. Tears families apart. Tears even your close friends and loved ones apart. Each and every fiber of that green stuff called money in the palm of your hands is the spawn of the devil. Now I'm done... Hopefully you understood where I was coming from even though I hardly provided any examples as to why it's evil, just what it does.

Goodbye now. Ciao ciao.

Things I desire

Food, first and foremost.

Next thing I desire after that, a healthy mindset, and not being mentally ill. Forgive me, I don't know how to better put it.

As you can tell, I am slightly unstable and out of control at times, but I know when I'm going too far so I supress myself before I go overboard. Don't want to go attacking everybody with an illegal switchblade, trying to desperately collect small amounts of blood through a nasty, gruesome tactic. Yeah, um, no way.

So if that could get fixed, that would be one of the greatest things to happen to me.

I also want to be able to defend myself. Like I know that I get seizures, especially if my head is lower than my torso somehow, that makes me dizzy and is initiative of an upcoming seizure, so I avoid those positions.

I just hope that my mentor or whoever teaches me, knows of my silly condition and we can work against it. Making sure I don't get a seizure while I'm karate chopping somebodys ass to bits. But... If not. Oh well. I'll just kick box some people, keeping my head up always. Head down is my main vulnerability. There ya go.

I just gave you the secret to beating my ass. Just get me down and make sure I stay down, with my head rolled back if you're into seizure-watching, you sick freak..! Or, you could just not want to fight me at all man. It's not cool, at all, man. I am trying so hard to be a pacifist. Only fighting when it's instigated. Because damn, yeah, I'm a hypocrite. But I don't know. I can't decide. Do I want to forgive and forget? Or hate and resent and give them back what they truly deserve. Or what I truly deserve, and if that means getting a seizure. Ah, well, it's my fault anyways, for even beginning this odd connection of hatred.

Look. You can view me as the bad guy or the good guy. Or the guy in between... I've always wanted to be good but it's hard to do so when all you get is pain and hurt from this world we live in.

Sometimes we want the easy way out and that's being the bad guy, ya know... It hurts others but it makes us happy. And that's disgusting and beautiful simultaneously. But it's also goddamn selfish too. You're not the only human being in the world, in case you forgot, because you're hurting others. Say your friend created a sculpture of a majestic seahorse and then you have the audacity to tell your group of buddies that you made it, when not one second of your sweat and toil was put into it. Do you realize how upset your friend would be? How betrayed?

Give the poor guy credit. "Thanks Cooper, it's all because of you," you said. Hopefully gratefully. You know, something like that. You've got to thank a hypothetical Cooper dude for creating a beautifully sculpted sea horse for you that's the color of turquoise blue, with light yellow freckles. It's beautiful. It's color spectrum is quite nice. He took the time out of the day to make it, for you. An ingrate, who took the credit for yourself, while poor Connor oops I meant Cooper (hahaha, wow I'm dumb. Remember when I called my boyfriend Michael? Instead of Matt. Wow. I suck at names) is just standing there, stunned and disappointed. He made it for you!

So tell the rest of your buddies, Cooper made it, not you. That you were stupidly joking around because you're an asshole. I know, it might hurt you to insult yourself, but the rest of the people will grow respect for you.

For your ability to admit to a personal crime you committed against Connor, Cooper, whatever the fuck his name is, haha, wow, I'm sorry. Forgive me for my vulgar usage of words, but anyways. That's how you get real respect, if you do something honorable and noble. You should be respected for it.

That's also what I want by the way. Respect. So it goes, food, beating people up or self-defense actually! (Yikes, I don't want to beat people up because that would imply that I have a hidden aggressive nature about me!) Good mental health, if that makes sense. And I can't think of anything else. Ah yes! I just thought of something. I want to write... Above average writing. Not mediocre, shitty writing, like I do now. I also like to eat food.. Haha already mentioned food. That's good, sorry, I was just mentioning it again because I just thought of McDonald's and now I'm tasting McDonald's chicken nuggets in my imaginative mouth and they taste refreshingly sweet and scrumptious. Mm. Sorry, I sound like a glutton.

But I just love, love, love, love, LOVE food. I love food.