You know the families that keep in contact with each other? See each other often? Can't get enough of each other?
Are completely inseperable? Yeah, well, if you have that and you're comfortable and secure with it, you, stranger, are lucky.
I fucking love my family, but my family is dysfunctional. I also have this theory forming in my mind that every family js dysfunctional but what do I know? I took an IQ test, guessed on the mathematical questions and got a 103. So clearly, I'm a fucking imbecile. Hahahah, an imbecile who adores having family around.
I'm not the type to keep to myself, so I need company and that kind of company comes from those closest to me. My blood relatives. But those types of people piss me off too, not to mention. They make me want to strangle them and choke them until they're gasping for air.
Yeah. Love-hate relationships, that's the kind of person I am. At times. I mean I love my partner to death, sure, but I do want to kill him. But hold on a minute here... First of all, I do want to choke bitches whom I love but not to death. And I may say I want to "kill you" per se, but do I mean it!? Fuck no!
I'm trying to pursue the gentle art of pacifism, which is ironic because all I want to do is karate chop some bitches. But, alas, I am a coward and I hate pain. I'm not a masochist, but I'll take the pain if you don't want it.. Who does? But I'll sacrifice and take the agony while you laugh and taunt me and if that makes me a masochist, so be it.
Okay, so I admit. I am a masochist, because I often belittle myself and I am willing to take submission, because I hate being empathetic and having whoever I love be situated in a painful ordeal. So I'll switch places with you because it will hurt me to see you in pain.
I guess as a masochist, I really hate the pain of not seeing my family everyday. I know, I know, they're fucked up, but I forgot to mention the cats. They listen, and meow and all ya gotta do is give them some kitten food. Pretty swell huh?
I can take the scratches, the claw marks, the bites, I can take the hissing so I may be a masochist. But do I like it? No, I certainly do not. I just like it when they meow and purr and that's always going to overpower the shitty side of the most spectacular species to ever exist.
Anyways, yeah. About the former topic before I switched on over to cats... Family. You could say I'm family oriented but whatever. Now that's a little strange coming from me. You would think that because of my fucked up face, my fucked up attitude, and the fact that I'm just fucked up in general, that I would blame my family for that. Don't get me wrong, the thought has crossed my mind, especially during my angry, fitful nights... But blaming is wrong. Blaming is weird and blaming will only end up making me the villain.
And I have been the villain, unfortunately.
In brief; they didn't fuck me up. I did. I can't take care of myself for one, and I've tried, oh let me tell ya, I've tried. But I got nowhere. Now how on earth will I be able to maintain a new family if I can't even fucking... Yeah. Lost my train of thought.
My mom? She's great, in fact she's wonderful. But I feel like I've been blinded by my love for her. And that's what I want. I want to not necessarily manipulate my daughter but to charm her into becoming my best friend. Because me and my mom? We used to be best friends, until I found him, and now he's my best friend.
My mom has done some horrible things to me and I've done some horrible things to her. And it saddens me. I love her so much, despite how crooked and greedy she can get, and I feel like there's magic in the air. Because I've fallen underneath her stupid, silly spell of love.
Maybe it's respect, maybe it's because everybody in the world (despite how ungrateful and undeserving they are) needs love. And I don't want to leave everybody else behind, not obtaining the love that they need to survive.
Sometimes that's all you need. Love. Even if you're not asking for it, even if you're not begging or itching for it. Especially if you're desperate for it and we can see it through all the temper tantrums that you throw, wanting nothing more than attention. Attention for your existence.
Attention that you exist. And boy, do you exist. Now be a little kinder, be a little nicer, and one day you'll get the love you finally deserve.
Ah.... Back to the other topic. You see, this is my issue with the English language. I can never switch topics eloquently or correctly. So anyways... You know what makes me want to cry? When a family is so distant, they only ever see each other during weddings and funerals. That's it. Serious shit. It makes me feel like the substance and the weight of the love of the family is quite apart. It's there, but it's not so close, just far.
It makes me sad. Makes me want to have babies and smother them until I die. But I know that would make them feel uneasy and it definitely is a little uncalled for but that's how my parents are treating me, and I honestly don't mind. But too much is too much.
I'm an adult now and it's time that I make my own family. I have that kind of procreation lifestyle going on here. Finding my mate, making offspring if I am capable and if not, fuck it, I'll adopt. Simple as that. Because if I were to have at least one kid, I would be the happiest girl ever. This depression of mine would be cured. I wouldn't need to be sent to mental institutes anymore because I'm not a psycho or anything... I just need the constant love of a child and I'll be alright. I'll be okay, I'll be alright.
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