Drifting off... Into my own world

Well, hi again. Just stepping out of reality and entering my own world where only I get destructed and damaged and no one else...

I keep telling myself over and over again, sure there are some people on this planet who are fucked up beyond measure and deserve to live on Mars, but why try to risk your life, trying to rid yourself of these people? When if they're away, they're already away so why waste my thoughts and my stupid brainpower on thinking about them? Especially when I could be thinking about helping humanity, instead of focusing on all the fucked up people who have personally fucked up my life? Yeah. I know. I know. It makes me sound selfish, because I admit to it. I am. And no, I'm not proud of it.

(But at least I would ask if you wanted a slurpee cause I'm getting one too and hey, guess what?! It's all on me, not trying to get on your good side, I just don't want you getting thirsty is all, so I'm not selfish when it comes to objects and shit, just emotionally. And that sucks.)

You see, that's my issue with the world. If we were all happy and shit, and smiling and spreading joy and happiness and shit, then that would reflect on me. But so far, this world is corrupt and cruel, and I'm trying so hard not to let it affect me, oh, but it's quite hard ya know?

Reflections. That's what it's all about. I mean to say, that's how my personality is, because I am not a strong enough person to dictate my own traits, so I take the ones I think I need from observing others and I tweak them and perform them. This is all because I'm an impressionable young adult, easily influenced by things that I have an affinity for.

Such as cats. Oh boy, I didn't know that I would love cats until I got my man cat, Lycan but now that I moved out of my family home and am living with my boyfriend, he already had an older, cuter, better, nay, the best cat ever, named Sandwich. But if you're cool and you're obviously not trying to change people but are just naturally inspiring, I'll just mimic whatever it is you do. However, if you want everybody to copy you, and it shows in how you project yourself, well fuck off with that nonsense. Just be you and if you're cool enough, I'll reflect you. Shit, I'm already trying to reflect my boyfriend. Am I getting anywhere? Hah!! Nope! I will never attain his level of pristine self-awareness or identity and I'm not gonna copy his entire personality, just picking up the traits I need that he already has. Like being assertive, because I am a pushover and so help me God, I will butcher anyone like Cameron Dallas or whoever the fuck wants to put their goddann number on Twitter and "pretend text" me when really it was just plenty of different ass people or whatever. I don't know. But that moment made me want to kill Cameron fucking Dallas man. He is absolutely mental, and no honey, not in a good way. Sure, I've been in mental institutes but he needs solitary confinement because-ugh. I'm done with that bullshit and all of the bullshit he gave me.

It wasn't surprising that he never apologized either. Guy thinks he's a goddamn celebrity but he's also a religious zealot, so why think you're superior to a lowly commoner such as me? Keep thinking that way, and you'll burn in hell Mr. Dallas. It's a good thing that I'm not Catholic or Christian or Muslim or Hebrew or whatever because I believe in no Gods, just petty little myths. So in your delusional, religious fantasy, I'll gladly burn in hell.

But enough about that and that fucking me over scenario. Kind of ruined my life for a little bit. My self-esteem took a nosedive because I would send anonymous Dallas cute pictures of me with my weird smaller eye due to my accident, and then I see other ladies on the internet mocking my style. That was fucking rude and disrespectful. You don't do that to someone who was deformed during a car crash, unless you're just an unfriendly, contemptible kind of person. You're just not worthy of respecting. At all. Sorry to say it man.

But this eye of mine. They're not the same size. Made me want to fucking kill myself too sometimes hah, but hey, now a lot of people know how fucked up the villain Elle is in all her pictures sent to anonymous texter, troll Cameron Dallas, and now we can make fun of her! Yup. Dumb moment of mine. Just like when I tried to kill myself during that car crash because I found out for the first time that I was being cheated on. I'm just full of bad decisions and that needs to change. I'm with the guy that I love with all my heart! and I'm loyal to a fault, but I never want to hurt myself for attention or affection or acknowledgment when I'm with him because I know that that is way too immature. And will it get me anywhere? Nah.

Another immature way of treating somebody is giving them the silent treatment. Hah, ask Cameron Dallas, he's so good at that! And it fucked up with my mental health even more, until I met this guy who I've known for two years now, give or take and he's helping me become a better person who doesn't make foolish mistakes like I used to in the past. Never ever ever give your partner the silent treatment, Elle. It's childish and dumb and gets you nowhere. It's just going to make things worse.

But anyways, back to the topic. I know who I am, sometimes, especially since I'm naturally sober (alcohol tastes like shit but I hear Bloody Mary's, Mimosas and Champagne are all good? But fuck if I know haha) oh and I am occasionally reasonable. Other times, I'm in over my head, and too emotional to even identify who the fuck I even am. I change often, especially when my mental health is fucked up and right now, it's just borderline fucked up but I am trying to get it better. For my sake, for everyone else's sake. I don't want to fuck anyone over and with my poor mental health, I am going to have a demonic mind where I only think of my self-interests and nobody else's and I end up fucking other people over. And I don't want that at all!

Ya know? You see, I didn't even take revenge for what was done to me because there's no reason to. Karma will happen. Like it always happens, to me or I'm always placed in unfortunate circumstances. But the guy I previously mentioned has a good life. Cool. And he wants to share it with the world through his Twitter and YouTube or whatever the fuck he does now. How very extroverted and generous of him.

I'm not like that however. I want to keep all the happy shit to myself. Nobody else gets to see because they might hold resentment for me. They might get jealous that my mental health is finally healthy and no longer fucked up. But I don't know... I never know for sure. Those were all assumptions and things that I have been guilty of doing.

And this is another reason why I isolate myself. Why I deleted all of my social medias except for YouTube, if that's considered a social media. I don't want anyone interacting with me because I am an awkward person who's not socially inclined or even knows how to fucking talk for crying out loud because all I tend to do is talk about random shit nobody even really cares about and drift off into my own world sometimes. Nobody appreciates that or even respects it, so I try to not talk to anyone. There's no reason to anymore. Especially after how many other people either intentionally or unintentionally fucked me over. I'm not about to let that happen again, so I'm keeping myself secluded and with my lovely, respectable boyfriend who has the kindest heart I have ever known, and our majestic cat, Sandwich.

So now, after this long ass complaint of an entry with many errors and grammatical mistakes, I'm going to tell you that I'll be happier than ever. I am with the guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he makes me happy but then I interact with others and that happiness is quickly drained and turns me into a trifling bitch for a while. And oh boy, he does not appreciate that.

Who would? He deserves only kindness and respect and he deserves to live in paradise in this world. Just the two of us, alone, separated from others because they would just drag us down. I don't want people turning me into a curmudgeon for a quick minute, I want to be happy with him and the cat. And I can only do that when I'm alone.

I know this now. I don't know why I've been searching far and wide for friends when really, why would anyone want to be friends with a Negative Nancy like me? Always whining and complaining like a little girl, never really growing up. Yet most of them would think I would be fake as fuck, because all I do is compliment others but I mean it! People need to hear the good shit about them ya know!? And if no one is gonna do it, I'll gladly take that role. It is my duty to spread peace and happiness around and if that means flattery, so be it. As "fake" as it seems. Well, I think I covered a lot this morning, so I'll just be heading out now. Have a good day you, reader.