And I hate that about myself, amongst other things.
I'm also the type to never move on either. Fuck, so many things about myself make me want to choke myself. Make me realize that I shouldn't even be alive. I'm a parasite, yeah, that's what I am. I hold grudges against the people who have fucked me over, now suspecting that they will do it again and again, because they know I'm an easy target. I'm gullible and naive and many people have taken advantage of that. I've seen people like me, people who don't know any better, people who are as impressionable and as easily fooled as me, but would I ever even dare to think about manipulating them?
Hell no. It is not in my nature. I have been controlling, I have been emotionally abusive, I have been manipulative but the difference between the people that choose that type of crooked lifestyle and I is that I was completely ignorant and unaware of what I was doing in the first place.
Sometimes when I think too much, it dampens my spirit, toils my soul and it brings down the people around me. Luckily for me, since I practically dislike people, it's just one person. But it's also unfortunate because that's just my dear boyfriend, and yeah, it fucking sucks for him whenever I let all of my depressing emotions out. Sadness is contagious. Makes him sad too and that's not what I want. And I will never ever ever, for the heart of me, with all the strength within me that I can gather, manipulate him or torture him or play fucking weak ass mind games with him because that is not what the most special, most important person in the world to me deserves. No. I will honor him, I will cherish him.
I cannot break his heart just for my self interests. It's selfish and cruel. And I love him too much to see him break until he's gone to the point of total destruction.
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